Tough Decisions in Life

I often question why I do things the way I do. The answer in my mind is extremely simple... It is the right thing to do. It is the caring thing to do. It is what any sensible person would do....... Or is it?

I\'ve noticed that so many people do things so much different than me. I simply cannot not ask myself if I\'m the person who clearly don\'t know what to do, or if I\'m the only person that can spot wrong from right. There\'s been so many life influencing decisions that I\'ve been forced to take in my life lately. The part that is so incredibly tough is that I have to make all of these on my own. Sometimes one really doubts yourself in these type of situations. There\'s been motions of house buying, moving, saying so long to friends

Extreme Balance

How contradicting is it to say extreme balance - as balance is the one thing that cannot be extreme.  If you attempt to find balance by means of extreme measures, it will be impossible to find that balance.  I've been amazed by the events & shocks that seem to continually travel my way.  Events that involve babies being born, hearts being broken, jobs being lost, financial constraints, smiles, laughs, laughter, tears, hope (lots and lots of hope), adventures, challenges, more tears and a sense of fear.  All of these are insane contradictions on a day to day basis.  


One think that I have always known but have never had the guts to admit was highlighted by a friend last night.  She said - Nini, you do everything you do - in extremes.  And, yes - I do.  I have complained & searched for the ability to have balance in my life. More than once before.  I am (or have thus far) not been able to achieve a level of healthy balance.  Saying healthy balance is a contradiction in itself once again. 

Right now - any form of balance will be healthy.  Last night, I had to admit that I have the inability to do anything in life if I do not do it to an extreme.  I know no other way.  I cannot love somebody - if I don't love them with every single part of who I am.  I cannot do my work if I don't do it with every single thing that I have and offer every single part of me to be able to succeed.  I cannot maintain a friendship if I don't dedicate every part of who I am and what I can offer to a friendship.

I am the person in a relationship that will text you in the morning, wishing you a good day.  Text at night - asking how your day went.  I'm the friend that will check up on you when you have a broken heart & fill your glass with wine as many times as you need.  The one that will make chicken soup and buy packets & packets of meds to help when you're sick.  Get you pretty flowers for your desk when you start a new job & spot the lost soul and take them with on holiday cause I can see their heart is hurting & they need a change of scenery & crowd. 

That's the things I do and it makes me happy to do these things.  But to allow somebody to do the same for me is once again one of those impossible tasks.  My 'believe' that nobody else can do something as good as I can.  Nobody can help me the way that I can help myself.  I set unreasonable expectations & goals to myself, as that is the only way that I can push my own boundaries.  The way that I can 'control' the situation & ensure a high level of standard.


Isn't it strange how hard one can be on oneself?  How you can cause self inflicted pain your your own strict unreasonable standards.  I has a giggle by myself thinking that I'm going to be that old lady in the old age how that will insist on doing things herself and then go racing down the cliff in her wheelchair. (At least a smile there)


So starting off with being an extremist & managing the art of balance remains such a difficult expectation.  But, a balance in life is required to achieve happiness.


So in the words of my dear friend - just let it be & enjoy not running after your own tail.

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Fly little bird fly

I never in my life thought I'll do it.  Never did I think that I will get a tattoo.  Lately the thought's been playing round in my head & I decided that seeing that one only has one life, why not.....

In between the time of me changing jobs and moving forward with my life I visited a recommended tattoo shop.  I walked in there with a couple of pictures that I googled of little swallows and had the artist draw them first.  Being myself I was full of sh*t as it had to be 'perfect' and fine.  After a couple of tweaks to the picture - I had a cigarette & geared myself up for this permanent engraving on my back.  

A little bit up - a little bit down.... And so, the positioning was where I wanted it.  I sat down on the chair with my head bowed forward & the sound of the tattoo 'machine' started.  I must admit - it was without a doubt not painless, however not even close to as painful as I thought it to be.  30 min later and I had my three little birdies on my back.

There's no specific reason why I chose swallows, but the fact that they're pretty.  Then one night I had a conversation with a friend & we were talking about children & their imaginary friends.  I told her about my imaginary friend I had.... I little blue bird.  I walked around with the little blue bird on my hand all the time.  I remember when my parents weren't home, my little blue bird & I could fly.  I don't recall if the bird had a name, but when I close my eyes I can still see that bird in vivid detail!  Perhaps it is that little bird that stayed in my imagination many years later and ended up represented on my back. 

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Taking the big leap

Friday, May 27, 2011 12:02:00 PM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
I think that I'm fairly honored that I got to know myself to a great extend by now.  In business I love making decisions and acting out on them.  In my love live, I sometimes take forever to take a decision & other times I act out on my decision almost immediately.  But when it comes to my personal life and what effects the ME - I find it incredibly hard.  It takes me a long time to actually 'confirm' the decision and really make up my mind about something; but boy.... once I've done that - there's no holding me back.

In the past couple of years I've been through so incredibly much.  Some decisions were easy to make; others took me a while to actually make them.  Some - I haven't even made yet.  If I look back on the Jeanine of 3 years ago; I can spot the difference immediately!  And I must admit - that is something to be proud of.  I have made so many changes and I'm in such a good emotional state right now that the only thing that I still have as part of the 'past' is my current position.  Now - I've said this before and I will say it over and over again... I L.O.V.E my job!  I am very happy where I am and I love what I'm doing.  My work is my 'escape' from the world.  It is actually the one thing that sets me free.  Because of all of that - I had to set myself free.  I have resigned after many years and I'm taking the leap to something new.  It is hell of a scary thing!  It is something that I didn't really think I'd do.  Besides the bit of healthy fear I am overwhelmed with excitement.  I cannot wait for my first day.  I did it.  I took the leap!

I found me


The strangest thing started happening to me.  I am not too sure where it originated from, what the cause of this is and why after so many years this unexplainable phenomena occurred now again.  I am currently on no medication.  I am not drinking any happy pills.  I am not even drinking any herbal stuffies...
About two or three weeks ago, I still had that run down feeling in my heart.  I just couldn't wait to get into bed and just to sleep.  Just to do nothing.  I was not at my most productive around the house, emotionally or in any other aspect of my life.
It feels like a little fairy came around and waved a magic wand over me and just made everything in my life better.  My work situation did not change.  My financial situation did not change (for the better or worst).  My social situation did not really change - I just choose to party hard now when I'm actually partying.  And no - my love situation did not even change in the slightest.  I am still alone.  It is still just me!  Still not sharing my heart, soul, heart or bed with anybody.

I think the best way that I can possibly describe this feeling is a combination of being high and being in love.  I want to smile.  The world doesn't fuss me!  I forget things.  I forget where I place things.  I forget to close the fridge door.  I drive half way to work and realize I forgot something important at home.  Funny things like that!  I have the feeling of happiness in me!  Friday afternoon I decided to spend the afternoon filled with a bit of me time, seeing that I have to work the weekend.  I went to the shops (and I'm not a shopping mall type of person).  I first went to a fishery, bought some prawns (one of my favorite foods).  After that - went over to the bakery just to get some divine fresh bread.  After my bakery visit, I hopped over to the Fruit/Flower market.  I found some some Nerina (Flowers).  The most beautiful pink flowers.  Delicate and a fragrance that fills a room.  From the fruit/flower market I made my way to a liquor store.  I decided to just fill up my non-existing collection with some wine and breezers.  Wit this feeling in my heart I just want to entertain!!!

Carrying all of the heavy bags and boxes up to my 2nd floor apartment, I remember this amazingly significant moment standing in the kitchen as I was doing the flowers.  I cannot remember when was the last time that I felt this alive!  The previous evening I sat at a show of a band with friends around me, but I felt that I didn't even 'noticed' the people around me.  It was strange but it was only me that mattered and I felt like I was walking on top of the clouds.  I then took a minute after this feeling to try and remember when the last time was that I could actually recall this feeling.  The scary part is this now.  The last time I felt a slight glimpse of this was almost two years ago, but the last time that I really really felt like this was probably in 2001 or 2002!  That is about 10 years ago!  That is an incredibly long time for one person to be 'lost'!  I cannot say that there was  any major significant change in my life that promoted this feeling, other than the fact that I'm loving this!

During this strange two week period I decided that I'm the most important person in my life and that I really need to do something and focus on me.  I underwent my first 'cosmetic' procedure.... Botox!  These frowns need to disappear from this face!  I am doing a touch up of my permanent make-up this week and spent some time getting massaged on Friday!  I feel alive again!  This is perhaps because I decided that I need to stand up for myself (again)!  I need to deal with the fact that it will be me and just me for a very long time!  Being sad about it is not going to make it better!

Coming to think about it - there might be something that just enhanced this feeling... I haven't mentioned this before but for some strange reason - the names of all (or most at least) of the men that enter my life that actually have an impact in my life starts with a 'J' (funny that my name also starts with a 'J').  I sometimes confuse myself with all of the 'J's' in my life!  One of the important J's in my life of many many hears ago made contact with me again.  I think the fact that I always wondered why we never worked out - must have been in the back of my mind all these years (and it's about 7 of 8 years).  I didn't 'close' the chapter with that 'J' - but I saw how he moved on with his life and just realized that that life is so not the life that I wanted for me.  That - was closure enough for me.

But this happened post my 'happy place'.  The thing that contributed to my happy place - don't know.  All that matters right now, is that I found myself again and I'm loving every single moment of it!

Tiny little heart

I recently managed to get so excited about a plan of mine.  I must admit I haven't been this excited about one of my little plans in a very very long time.  I am a plan maker and make plans all the time.  I remember when I was little I had an uncle that used to always ask me what I'm 'scheming' every single time he saw me, as I always had a little plan or a little scheme going on.  Just yesterday I heard my father say that they always used to struggle to get me to bed or to take a nap or in general to do the things they wanted me to do.  Just when they thought they had a plan to 'trick' me into something, I already had 5 other plans lined up to surprise them with! (giggle)

This new plan of mine is something that can potentially change my life!  It is something not fully impulsive, but something that I've been thinking about for a long time, but the 'putting into action' just sort of came together all of a sudden in the early hours of Saturday morning.  Being sleep deprived again, I get to think about things that are always in the back of my mind, but I don't always have the opportunity (or grand my mind the opportunity) to think about.  So progressing through the weekend and sleeping very little and thinking very much managed to get me so incredibly excited.  I believe that I actually came across something that is workable and 100% doable.  Getting up on the second Monday of 2011 I just had an extra big smile on my face.  I managed to get out of bed so much easier and my eagerness to attack this year and knowing that this will be the most successful year I possibly had the opportunity to face in my lifetime!  Not too deep into the rhythm of the day I realized once again that I have a tiny little heart.  On the outside I may look like this tough, hard person and that there must only be a dark black heart within this body of mine.  This is perhaps the perception that I need to create to hide away the small little heart deep within my soul!  I got 'attacked' (mention the word not physically, but emotionally) by a person that is so so special to me.  Somebody that I have always cared for deeply.  Somebody that I always felt I had to protect and keep under my wing.  Somebody that I have known for their entire lifetime.  I acknowledge that I am perhaps a very critical person and create very high expectations of every single person that enters my life in any form or manner.  Being this critical it can get to people, as they probably believe that they will never be able to live up to my high expectations, however I really believe that this is not true.


I realized again that I hate (and I use it as the strong word it is) to fight.  I will do so many things to avoid fighting.  I will stand my ground should it be required, but every single time, even the slightest little tiff gets me upset!  It is like a shock that goes my my body straight to my core.  Perhaps my good intentions aren't always very clear.  Regardless - disagreements, tiffs, fights, anything remotely like this fills the little heart of mine so quickly with so much disturbance and pain.  Strange how in a small heart there is always room for so much love and so much caring and so much compassion, but room for so little hurt & fighting & pain!

We shall go to war

The majority of Buddhist temples that I have visited thus far, I have always noticed a statue with a man build the way that most teenagers girls dream their ideal man would like like and an evil strong lined face that every child fear may appear from under their bed at night.  I found this 'evil' looking man strange, yet interesting.  And why do you alway find one on each side of the temple?  Reading about the temples, I discovered that these evil, nasty looking well build 'men' are seen as the warriors.  The warriors are there as protection.  Each warrior is said to have a different 'super power'.  The purpose of these warriors are to use these special powers to protect the Dharma and fight off evil spirits.  Like so many things in Buddhism the warrior is a representation of something with so much more meaning.  One may see an actual warrior statue at the temple, but each one of us have a warrior inside ourselves.  And this warrior has nothing to do with any practice or religion.  

I have heard the saying of: The war is lost once the first stone is thrown.  The wars we go through might not be the second or third world war that is literal and physical, but we might have a war all on our own internally that nobody in the world may ever even know about.  And I do believe that all of us have a little war that we are fighting inside on our own.  Some of us may turn to ourself to solve this war.  Some people may go to external measures and become physical and take it out on their spouse, or animals or children.  Some will become introverted and exclude themselves from the world totally.  Some, may be the 'best' actors and be the post pleasant people to be around, always laughing and joking around. Note that I am not saying with this that all bubbly people use that as a way to fight their war nor any of the others, this is merely used as an example.

I have many wars that I fight myself.  The way that I act on each of these wars are very different.  I know that in some circumstances, I withdraw.  In some, I get emotional and just cry and then in others, I start talking and cannot stop.  And there is most probably many reasons that the professionals will motivate for each one of these.

I do however know this.  I have my own little warriors inside me.  Each with their own 'special powers'.  I believe that the little warriors are there to help to enhance inner peace.  The past year, like I have said in some of my previous posts, was one of the most difficult years for me.  My little warriors had to fight of many 'evil' spirits off this year and I had to figure out ways of hiding these wars more often than not.  One of these little demons I had to face today.  I knew that today would not be a simple task staring me in the face.  Often in life we don't really know the exact time and date that we will be forced to face these things in life, but I went to bed last night knowing I need to wake up today and face this.  That in itself was not something easy to face.

Once again I confirmed that I do not like fighting.  One of my little warriors did however managed to fight on my behalf and helped me to remain calm.  I am not sure exactly which warrior managed to do the fighting and what 'super powers' that little one used.  After I managed to collect my thoughts and get to the point were I could sit down and reflect on it, I started to cry.  I turned my head right, then left and I noticed that an enormous weight got lifted from my shoulders.

I arrived home this evening and opened a bottle of sparkling wine.  To hear the popping sound of the cork as I opened the bottle blew that last bit of dust off my shoulders.  I felt free.

I cannot help wondering how many little warriors with 'super powers' we have filled up inside ourselves, and how do they know when to get to work.  We are facing different wars every day and our warriors are there to protect us.  And sometimes they help us to find that inner peace.  We need to take the time out to celebrate the work that these little warriors are performing in our lives & acknowledge them.  Give them the opportunity to fight for us as they actually have such an important role.

4 Leaf Clover

I was reading through my 30 Things List again tonight and saw the section where I mentioned about finding a 4-leaf-clover.  I mentioned that I'll blog about this event and now is as good a time as any....

One Sunday (28 February 2010) I got up the morning in one of my funny wanna be alone moods.  I went to a roof top market in town.  Walked around there looking at all the little things at all of the different stalls.  And then after wondering around there for about an hour already I walked past this stall that had a small little poster that said: "Four Leaf Clover".  There is was.  A couple of plants and all of them growing four leaf clovers!  I could not believe this.  I just stood there for a minute or two with a smile on my face and a tear in my eyes.  The man selling these plants probably thought that this must have been one seriously crazy person as I could not speak.  I was just smiling and crying.  Now you may say, but you didn't really 'find' a four leaf clover - so how does it count?  But it does my dear!  Even more than I even had the ability to realize the day that I put my list together.  And this is how....

The little four leaf clover taught me one of the most important lessons that I have ever learned in my life.  If I never made my 30 things list, I would have never thought about finding a four leaf clover.  And if a four leaf clover wasn't on my list, I would have walked past that stall that day and never even noticed it.  And the lesson out of this is, when you are aware of things in life, you notice things!  I have come to the point where I try really hard to make myself aware of things that I would like and want in life, regardless if it is something spiritual, something physical, something materialistic, something for my heart my mind my body or my soul - I have learned to become aware of the things that I want out and from life.  That way it gives me the opportunity to see these things as they cross my path.

So - whether it is a four leaf clover, or something else that you're looking for in life, turn your focus on what you're looking for and be specific - that way you will have the opportunity to notice it when it crosses your path!

Finding is one thing, but CREATE!

3:21:00 PM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
I had a comment from somebody the other day that said to me to quit having unrealistic goals/missions/aspirations.  And that for the year of 2011 I should have only one and that is to find out exactly WHO Jeanine is.  And then today, a friend of mine posted this specific message on Facebook.  And all of a sudden the 'finding' yourself became something that seemed so insignificant against creating yourself!


Like I said in my previous post I will only try and figure out this year what motivates me, but seeing this today, I know that I will continue creating myself and finding out things about myself in my journey of creation.

2011 - The Prime


Starting off 2011 I did it slightly different than 2010.  I have decided to not have new years resolutions this year.  I will only have one single search this year.  The search this year will be to realize what it is that motivates me.  I think that if I'm able to find the answer, not the answer that you like to give to people as the 'perfect' description of what it is suppose to be - but to really truly be able to discover what it is that really motivates me and to realize exactly why, I will achieve what I set out for 2011!

I have made so many discoveries in 2010 and I can now really say that 2010 has been one incredibly hectic year!  I've pretty much had 2 of the roughest years in my life - but there is without a doubt amazing highlights in the past 2 years that I will trade for nothing else.  I have a couple of amazing trips planned for the year of 2011.  I will have started to make some life changes and will try my best to maintain that. But, as I've said in the beginning of this post - not resolutions for this year!

Now the answer to why 2011 is the prime: "2011 is a prime number.  This means that nothing can be divide you from your goals except for one - yourself.  No formula can predict or stereotype you because you are unique.  You only occur once.  Add the numbers of 2011 - this will show you that it makes us all even" (Colleague at work's new years message) 

Just for interest - I found this blog and thought it to be interesting....

I wish you all an amazing 2011.  A year that exceeds every dream you may imagine for yourself!

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