I recently managed to get so excited about a plan of mine. I must admit I haven't been this excited about one of my little plans in a very very long time. I am a plan maker and make plans all the time. I remember when I was little I had an uncle that used to always ask me what I'm 'scheming' every single time he saw me, as I always had a little plan or a little scheme going on. Just yesterday I heard my father say that they always used to struggle to get me to bed or to take a nap or in general to do the things they wanted me to do. Just when they thought they had a plan to 'trick' me into something, I already had 5 other plans lined up to surprise them with! (giggle)
This new plan of mine is something that can potentially change my life! It is something not fully impulsive, but something that I've been thinking about for a long time, but the 'putting into action' just sort of came together all of a sudden in the early hours of Saturday morning. Being sleep deprived again, I get to think about things that are always in the back of my mind, but I don't always have the opportunity (or grand my mind the opportunity) to think about. So progressing through the weekend and sleeping very little and thinking very much managed to get me so incredibly excited. I believe that I actually came across something that is workable and 100% doable. Getting up on the second Monday of 2011 I just had an extra big smile on my face. I managed to get out of bed so much easier and my eagerness to attack this year and knowing that this will be the most successful year I possibly had the opportunity to face in my lifetime! Not too deep into the rhythm of the day I realized once again that I have a tiny little heart. On the outside I may look like this tough, hard person and that there must only be a dark black heart within this body of mine. This is perhaps the perception that I need to create to hide away the small little heart deep within my soul! I got 'attacked' (mention the word not physically, but emotionally) by a person that is so so special to me. Somebody that I have always cared for deeply. Somebody that I always felt I had to protect and keep under my wing. Somebody that I have known for their entire lifetime. I acknowledge that I am perhaps a very critical person and create very high expectations of every single person that enters my life in any form or manner. Being this critical it can get to people, as they probably believe that they will never be able to live up to my high expectations, however I really believe that this is not true.I realized again that I hate (and I use it as the strong word it is) to fight. I will do so many things to avoid fighting. I will stand my ground should it be required, but every single time, even the slightest little tiff gets me upset! It is like a shock that goes my my body straight to my core. Perhaps my good intentions aren't always very clear. Regardless - disagreements, tiffs, fights, anything remotely like this fills the little heart of mine so quickly with so much disturbance and pain. Strange how in a small heart there is always room for so much love and so much caring and so much compassion, but room for so little hurt & fighting & pain!
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