Live and Love as become something that is somewhat unpredictable to me. I think that idea that I once had (and often still have) on what love is and why love happens was skewed. I have always been a believer in life is "better with you". Through all the ups and downs and the hard lessons learned in life and love at my age, I have been boxed into the thought of life is better with me. I have always been an independent person. Thinking for myself, doing things my way. Doing what I want and when I want to. My grand illusions of love once showed me how to relay on somebody else in life. How to put the needs of the person that you're with above all of your own. How to compromise yourself in ways that you never really thought possible. Life showed me how to share yourself.
For me, I have always been a little bit spoiled. Having something that is yours, that you just don't share, cause you simply don't want to. But even sharing imported chocolates with a loved one became something that came naturally. I think the sharing of yourself to a selfish person becomes so intense that you don't even realize that what you originally thought was sharing, became giving yourself to the nth degree. After a while - there is nothing left to give or to share.
After an experience such as that in your life it forms a basis of what you expect all other people to do to (and with) you. Sharing and taking and giving becomes something that hangs in the balance all the time and you don't really know how to now all of a sudden play this balancing act. You become reluctant to share, because you are so scared of giving. Once you get anything that is shared with you, you become so greedy to take because you're scared that you might never get again. And so you start living your love on a string. Your heart is hanging on a very thin little piece of string that is swinging in the air and even with the slightest wind it starts to dingle in the wind. Life is already known to be very unpredictable. Love is uncontrollable, and a heart hanging on a thin little string in the wind causes fear.
From a recent experience (that wasn't even remotely close to being classified as love) - something I would call an infatuation, I could clearly see my hesitance at the beginning. It was sort of awe to hear that somebody can have a level of interest in you. A form of sharing, a suggestion of caring. Opening your eyes and know somebody else would wish you a good day. That somebody could be thinking about you during the day. That there could be somebody that could be dreaming about you. Somebody that would wish you sweet dreams for the night. All of that proofed to be slightly overwhelming. So much so that I felt that I had to turn around and run away. Strange, that the second that I started running away, I found myself running towards it even more. And that was perhaps the turning point where I became greedy and started to take and not to share.
Another life lesson in love, showed me to have your heart on a string, dangling in the wind causes you to not have the ability to have balance. Always remember where sharing, giving and taking comes in in love. Make sure that you share and never just give and never just take.
