Masters

Friday, May 29, 2015 1:50:00 PM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
And here we go.... I have graduated as a MBA student.  Today, I sit here and smile about this degree, but while there, it was not exactly a walk in the park.  My MBA journey started with an entrance exam where you have no clue if you're right or wrong of have a clue what is going on.  This was almost a full day entrance exam.  From there, it was a very long application to complete, which included some research to be done and some business references.  That was part of the walk in the park.  With a slight hick-up in my application (on the University's side), eventually I got accepted. 


After a bit of fluffy stuff, we started with orientation week. I met my first syndicate for the first time, and surprise surprise.... I was the only woman in my syndicate. By now, I am used to this in the work place, as in the banking world and at a certain level in an organisation, that is usually the way your life pans out. The journey started and right in the beginning we did an Amazing Race through the streets of Jozi in a mini-taxi. As MBA students together, everyone was going for the win! We were 100% sure that we were in first place and didn't stop pushing for a second! We were travelling up and down and saw amazing things and heart breaking things around the city. We are usually so sheltered in a bubble that you don't get to see the 'tough life' that manifests itself in the streets of the CBD. And then the moment arrived. We got to a school/day-care for young children in the middle of the CBD. We went in and were supposed to paint a picture with them. Being the only woman in my group, I had two kids with me. I didn't mind. Now at this point, I think it is important to mention that I do not have children, nor have I ever really 'wanted' children and I don't really 'like' children all that much. But something happened there with those children in the CBD. The looked at me and kept on calling me 'teacher' in those sweet little voices. They said "Teacher, look here!" "Teacher, like this?" "Look Teacher, look!" About what felt like two minutes into the painting activity with them, I was told that we need to move on. So unlike me, I broke out in tears, and said that I first wanted to finish painting with them. (Now I suppose this is the moment where 1000 things ran through my mind, as how their parents didn't have time for them, and who would make time for them to finish a picture with them, and how doing this to them now would create a devastating memory that will last in their little minds for the rest of their lives) Then, Thato said - we cannot win this race, it is OK, but we will allow Jeanine to first finish painting her picture with these children. And at that moment, my MBA really started!
With Thato saying that and my syndicate agreeing with him, was probably one of the most selfless moments I had the privilege of experiencing in my entire life thus far. This was the moment where I realised, that I have to make some changes.
 
During the MBA I had a rollercoaster in my personal life! I started the two years with one of the most amazing line managers any person can wish for.  I knew I had the support I needed.  And then, he changed roles and my job and career that I loved changed.  Six months into my MBA, I decided to resign from the company I was working for, due to ethical reasons.  This meant resigning form a company where I won an award for the person who contributed the most to achieving the strategic goals of the organisation.  I was the youngest person and only female to ever win that.  Resign from EXCO – one of my dreams.  Leave people behind who I cared for dearly, go into the market without having another job secured.  Hardest of all, leaving the job that I absolutely loved!
 
Obstacle number two - a week later, go in for emergency surgery.  At least I now had time to be at home and recover.
Challenge number three, start a new job, where it was something totally different from what I used to do, travel throughout Africa to Nigeria, Kenya, Ghana, Uganda and several others (remember - I'm studying my MBA and I have mandatory class every Monday evening, Wednesday evening and Saturday) - so you need to plan your travelling very fine to fit all of that in. I got assigned a portfolio that I've never managed before. Change Management, training, country enablement and several others - and that across 19 African countries, where 5 were operational at that point in time.
I already mentioned all of the travelling. I am a traveller at heart and absolutely loved going to all of these countries, and I'll blog about my experiences travelling Africa in a later blog. I would typically have class on a Saturday, fly out the Sunday, make a plan for the Monday class, fly back the Tuesday night, land back in South Africa the Wednesday morning (at around 7), go home, shower and go to work, and from work straight to class and get home at about 10 PM. This was just some of the obstacles I faced.
Furthermore, I found out in January of 2014 (on the same day, 1 hour apart), that I had tumours on both of my ovaries and that they could be cancer. Secondly, I got diagnosed with a neurological disease, which was killing my nerves. Like I already mentioned, I don't have children, and before going in for the operation, they asked me to sign that the specialists were allowed to remove my ovaries during surgery if it was in fact cancer. This was one of those really devastating moments in life and the last thing on my mind was my MBA at that stage. Irrespective if I already had children or not, it was something that would remove my option to ever have my own children. I walked out of hospital, with my ovaries intact, the tumours removed and clean of cancer. Now, concentrate and go back to my MBA.
 
Next moment, exam arrives.  I went writing exam with my stitches of my operation still intact.  I passed both those exams.
 


Now, nothing can get worse than what I already went through - right? Wrong! In August, 7 months after the removal of the first tumours, they have returned. I went in for operation number 3 during my MBA. The tumours were removed and everything went well during the operation - this was done on the Thursday. The Friday, while at home recovering, one of my employees visited my home to resign, the Sunday, I travelled to Ghana for a week, once again - stiches intact! About 20 days after that, a wonderful gentle man decided that it was a wonderful idea to drive over the red light, into my brand new car! Bumper gone!

 

Now, the end of the year is approaching and I need to finish my thesis. I went to Japan on a global module during October and returned on the 28th of October. I landed, went home, took a shower and went straight to a conference after travelling for almost 24 hours straight. That Friday morning, just after 4 AM, I received a call from my mother. My sister, who was pregnant at the time, lost her baby at full term. I raced straight through to hospital to visit her.

Now, seriously - drama must be over, yet again not. I received feedback from my supervisor about my thesis on the Thursday evening. He hated it & told me to rewrite my thesis! It was due for the Monday - 10 November 2014. I had 3 days left! I had a little panic fit, and decided that I've been through way too much over the past two years to give up on this dream of mine, and I shall push through, no matter what. I worked for three days and three nights without any sleep. I cried here and there, focused again, and went back to writing.

At 00:00 on Monday morning, 10 November 2014 (my birthday) I lit a candle and sang happy birthday to myself; cried for 30 seconds, and then started working again. At 06:10 on Monday morning, 10 November 2014, due day for my thesis, I finished writing it.

I went to the office, went through the whole document again, printed it and went home to get dressed for the celebrations of that evening and my final submission of my MBA! I usually hate my birthday, but 10 November 2014, was the best birthday of my entire life! I was a wake for 5 days in a row! I celebrated that evening with the largest amount of joy in my body that I ever experienced. I managed to conclude my MBA on the happiest note ever.

Now, you might ask why I took the time to write all of this down.... I write this to tell you that many things will happen in your life. Things will happen irrespective if it fits into your plan or not! You can choose to give up, or you can choose to push through. I managed to push through all of this, despite! Never once did I miss an exam, or a class (that I didn't pre-arrange and CAUTH up)! Never once did I give up, never once did I make excuses, never once did forget those kids who I painted with and the reason I started what I started.

I hope that my story can be an inspiration to others, to not give up! To not wait for others to make things happen, to not achieve what you set out to do in the beginning.
 
I have since graduated and officially hold a Masters in Business Administration







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Madagascar and the cat

After a quick business trip to Namibia (Windhoek), I returned to South Africa for a brief day and a bit.  Exhausted, yet excited, I made my way to the airport once again, awaiting my flight to Madagascar.  When you fly, you see the duration on the ticket and prepare yourself for that.  I saw the time, knew that I had a connecting flight, but it’s just a flight like the hundreds I’ve been on before.  It’s a matter of fact; it cannot be nearly as bad as many of my previous flights.  Its three hours for flight number one and then an hour and a bit for flight number two, so fairly short. 
 
I don’t think that anyone can be blamed for thinking that that is to be expected from the flight and travelling from Johannesburg, South Africa to Madagascar.  Trying to check in is where the first problem started.  Starting off, I went to the wrong airline.  Clearly there was a reason why I could not check in online the night before; although I could see my flight on the airline’s website. I was supposed to fly business class.  As one does, I went to the business class counter, only to find it non-operational.  I preceded my check in and was greeted by the rudest ground staff.  This was one of those lovely flights that make you take a bus ride to the plane.  We got on and I noticed that there were only about 20 people on the bus.  Odd for a flight, but here we go.  Sign number two should have been when the bus kept on driving and driving.  Passing hanger after hanger.  The military ground staff shouted:  “Nobody leaves the bus until I say so!”  As we got off the bus – another military like ground staff shouted that all hand luggage shall be hand in.  The woman with red hair, red framed glasses, a different shade of red shirt and short studded cowboy boots announced firmly in her foreign accent that she shall not hand over her luggage.  I stood firmly behind her and concurred.  Insisting to take my hand luggage with me – I entered the very small plane with my small suitcase proceeding up the narrow seven steps.  I showed them how my suitcase can fit into an overhead compartment, comfortably! 

We had a complement of three flight staff.  The captain (a lady), the guy sitting next to her in the cockpit; who knew that that was no cockpit and madam flight attendant.  I continued with my normal flight rituals.  Sunglasses on, my travel pillow next to me and my phone on flight mode.  The tiny plane made its way into the air, after giving way to a monster plane.  On serving brunch, madam asked me if everything is alright.  With little sleep and the Joburg city in my bones, I had no choice but to indicate that I’m highly irritable and frankly, pissed off!  She politely apologized and the captain made her way to Antananarivo with thirty minutes to spare (Note the star announcement).  Arriving at Antananarivo, I quickly realised – this is not exactly Africa as I’ve seen it.  This is Africa as I haven’t seen it before.  Remembering the porter trick from Bali, I strongly indicated that I’m an African woman who does not require assistance.  From the second I set my foot out of that door, I had beggars surrounding me.  It was nearly impossible to move around without either a woman with a baby on her back begging for money, or a child that cannot be older than three years begging or grown men, begging for money for beer.  Yes, beer.  They said it that bluntly.

I managed to get some cash from the local ATM (after bribery to show me where it was of course) and a woman hitting me while drawing money, saying that I can now give her money as she’s seeing me draw money.  Hot, tired, hungry and still Jozi pissed off, I spotted the only coffee shop at the airport.  I immediately saw that all the waitresses have nose rings.  Another universal trend very quickly revealed itself to me.  Internationally it is believed that you, as a woman, have money or are seen as wealthy if you have long lightly coloured hair, long nails, thin eyebrows, wear high heels, paint your toe nails a shade of red and wear yellow gold!  If you then have the ability to throw some animal print or leather in the mix, you know you have arrived.  At the table next to me, I could clearly see a very wealthy woman seated.  She had a small boy with her.  Apologies, two.  The one was her son and the other, her boyfriend.  They could not have been older than three and nineteen respectively.  She could easily be forty.
Eventually the gate opens to check in.  Search number one.  Standing in the business class line, I identified that this flight must mainly have business class seats.  The number of people lining up was staggering.  The Arabian prince standing in front of me had six bags with him.  In one, Johnny Walker Blue Label.  I saw he had a very thick wealthy passport.  Lots of gold on it to match his tight shirt and thick gold chain around his neck.  I think his hair stood up that way because his shoes were so pointy.  I think it was the blood circulation to his hands that got impaired due to his tight jeans that made them flap flap flap.  Who knows what the story is.

Now for search number two.  I made my way through probably twenty search officers to the delightful area of one corrupt coffee seller and wooden chairs.  There is only one terminal.  Every flight in Antananarivo departs from there.  The ground staff finds their way onto a chair and then shifts the name from the board and shifts the new name in.  Almost like you see high schools change the name of the rugby teams at a match on the match board.  Now I know my destination.  Tulear; which I’ve seen spelled in three different ways and all seem to be acceptable.
At last, I have a business class seat.  Seat 19 A.  I had no concept of a row 19 in business class, but given the amount of people that stood in that line, I had nothing else to think.  I make my way up the six narrow steps with the prince, the wealthy lady with the boy and the woman with the two cats.  I’m seated in the very last row.  Business Class!  In Madagascar, it seems like the last two rows are business class.  Ultimately, the prince was seated in the front, along with the wealth lady.

 

I Need To Write

It's been a while since I had time to write a bit.  Lots of drama and so many exciting adventures passed by without me writing.  Soon, before the end of the week, I'll provide an exciting update on my career change, beautiful Bali, being an MBA student at a top business school, love, vanity and lots more.

Tough Decisions in Life

I often question why I do things the way I do. The answer in my mind is extremely simple... It is the right thing to do. It is the caring thing to do. It is what any sensible person would do....... Or is it?

I\'ve noticed that so many people do things so much different than me. I simply cannot not ask myself if I\'m the person who clearly don\'t know what to do, or if I\'m the only person that can spot wrong from right. There\'s been so many life influencing decisions that I\'ve been forced to take in my life lately. The part that is so incredibly tough is that I have to make all of these on my own. Sometimes one really doubts yourself in these type of situations. There\'s been motions of house buying, moving, saying so long to friends

Extreme Balance

How contradicting is it to say extreme balance - as balance is the one thing that cannot be extreme.  If you attempt to find balance by means of extreme measures, it will be impossible to find that balance.  I've been amazed by the events & shocks that seem to continually travel my way.  Events that involve babies being born, hearts being broken, jobs being lost, financial constraints, smiles, laughs, laughter, tears, hope (lots and lots of hope), adventures, challenges, more tears and a sense of fear.  All of these are insane contradictions on a day to day basis.  


One think that I have always known but have never had the guts to admit was highlighted by a friend last night.  She said - Nini, you do everything you do - in extremes.  And, yes - I do.  I have complained & searched for the ability to have balance in my life. More than once before.  I am (or have thus far) not been able to achieve a level of healthy balance.  Saying healthy balance is a contradiction in itself once again. 

Right now - any form of balance will be healthy.  Last night, I had to admit that I have the inability to do anything in life if I do not do it to an extreme.  I know no other way.  I cannot love somebody - if I don't love them with every single part of who I am.  I cannot do my work if I don't do it with every single thing that I have and offer every single part of me to be able to succeed.  I cannot maintain a friendship if I don't dedicate every part of who I am and what I can offer to a friendship.

I am the person in a relationship that will text you in the morning, wishing you a good day.  Text at night - asking how your day went.  I'm the friend that will check up on you when you have a broken heart & fill your glass with wine as many times as you need.  The one that will make chicken soup and buy packets & packets of meds to help when you're sick.  Get you pretty flowers for your desk when you start a new job & spot the lost soul and take them with on holiday cause I can see their heart is hurting & they need a change of scenery & crowd. 

That's the things I do and it makes me happy to do these things.  But to allow somebody to do the same for me is once again one of those impossible tasks.  My 'believe' that nobody else can do something as good as I can.  Nobody can help me the way that I can help myself.  I set unreasonable expectations & goals to myself, as that is the only way that I can push my own boundaries.  The way that I can 'control' the situation & ensure a high level of standard.


Isn't it strange how hard one can be on oneself?  How you can cause self inflicted pain your your own strict unreasonable standards.  I has a giggle by myself thinking that I'm going to be that old lady in the old age how that will insist on doing things herself and then go racing down the cliff in her wheelchair. (At least a smile there)


So starting off with being an extremist & managing the art of balance remains such a difficult expectation.  But, a balance in life is required to achieve happiness.


So in the words of my dear friend - just let it be & enjoy not running after your own tail.

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Fly little bird fly

I never in my life thought I'll do it.  Never did I think that I will get a tattoo.  Lately the thought's been playing round in my head & I decided that seeing that one only has one life, why not.....

In between the time of me changing jobs and moving forward with my life I visited a recommended tattoo shop.  I walked in there with a couple of pictures that I googled of little swallows and had the artist draw them first.  Being myself I was full of sh*t as it had to be 'perfect' and fine.  After a couple of tweaks to the picture - I had a cigarette & geared myself up for this permanent engraving on my back.  

A little bit up - a little bit down.... And so, the positioning was where I wanted it.  I sat down on the chair with my head bowed forward & the sound of the tattoo 'machine' started.  I must admit - it was without a doubt not painless, however not even close to as painful as I thought it to be.  30 min later and I had my three little birdies on my back.

There's no specific reason why I chose swallows, but the fact that they're pretty.  Then one night I had a conversation with a friend & we were talking about children & their imaginary friends.  I told her about my imaginary friend I had.... I little blue bird.  I walked around with the little blue bird on my hand all the time.  I remember when my parents weren't home, my little blue bird & I could fly.  I don't recall if the bird had a name, but when I close my eyes I can still see that bird in vivid detail!  Perhaps it is that little bird that stayed in my imagination many years later and ended up represented on my back. 

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Taking the big leap

Friday, May 27, 2011 12:02:00 PM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
I think that I'm fairly honored that I got to know myself to a great extend by now.  In business I love making decisions and acting out on them.  In my love live, I sometimes take forever to take a decision & other times I act out on my decision almost immediately.  But when it comes to my personal life and what effects the ME - I find it incredibly hard.  It takes me a long time to actually 'confirm' the decision and really make up my mind about something; but boy.... once I've done that - there's no holding me back.

In the past couple of years I've been through so incredibly much.  Some decisions were easy to make; others took me a while to actually make them.  Some - I haven't even made yet.  If I look back on the Jeanine of 3 years ago; I can spot the difference immediately!  And I must admit - that is something to be proud of.  I have made so many changes and I'm in such a good emotional state right now that the only thing that I still have as part of the 'past' is my current position.  Now - I've said this before and I will say it over and over again... I L.O.V.E my job!  I am very happy where I am and I love what I'm doing.  My work is my 'escape' from the world.  It is actually the one thing that sets me free.  Because of all of that - I had to set myself free.  I have resigned after many years and I'm taking the leap to something new.  It is hell of a scary thing!  It is something that I didn't really think I'd do.  Besides the bit of healthy fear I am overwhelmed with excitement.  I cannot wait for my first day.  I did it.  I took the leap!

I found me


The strangest thing started happening to me.  I am not too sure where it originated from, what the cause of this is and why after so many years this unexplainable phenomena occurred now again.  I am currently on no medication.  I am not drinking any happy pills.  I am not even drinking any herbal stuffies...
About two or three weeks ago, I still had that run down feeling in my heart.  I just couldn't wait to get into bed and just to sleep.  Just to do nothing.  I was not at my most productive around the house, emotionally or in any other aspect of my life.
It feels like a little fairy came around and waved a magic wand over me and just made everything in my life better.  My work situation did not change.  My financial situation did not change (for the better or worst).  My social situation did not really change - I just choose to party hard now when I'm actually partying.  And no - my love situation did not even change in the slightest.  I am still alone.  It is still just me!  Still not sharing my heart, soul, heart or bed with anybody.

I think the best way that I can possibly describe this feeling is a combination of being high and being in love.  I want to smile.  The world doesn't fuss me!  I forget things.  I forget where I place things.  I forget to close the fridge door.  I drive half way to work and realize I forgot something important at home.  Funny things like that!  I have the feeling of happiness in me!  Friday afternoon I decided to spend the afternoon filled with a bit of me time, seeing that I have to work the weekend.  I went to the shops (and I'm not a shopping mall type of person).  I first went to a fishery, bought some prawns (one of my favorite foods).  After that - went over to the bakery just to get some divine fresh bread.  After my bakery visit, I hopped over to the Fruit/Flower market.  I found some some Nerina (Flowers).  The most beautiful pink flowers.  Delicate and a fragrance that fills a room.  From the fruit/flower market I made my way to a liquor store.  I decided to just fill up my non-existing collection with some wine and breezers.  Wit this feeling in my heart I just want to entertain!!!

Carrying all of the heavy bags and boxes up to my 2nd floor apartment, I remember this amazingly significant moment standing in the kitchen as I was doing the flowers.  I cannot remember when was the last time that I felt this alive!  The previous evening I sat at a show of a band with friends around me, but I felt that I didn't even 'noticed' the people around me.  It was strange but it was only me that mattered and I felt like I was walking on top of the clouds.  I then took a minute after this feeling to try and remember when the last time was that I could actually recall this feeling.  The scary part is this now.  The last time I felt a slight glimpse of this was almost two years ago, but the last time that I really really felt like this was probably in 2001 or 2002!  That is about 10 years ago!  That is an incredibly long time for one person to be 'lost'!  I cannot say that there was  any major significant change in my life that promoted this feeling, other than the fact that I'm loving this!

During this strange two week period I decided that I'm the most important person in my life and that I really need to do something and focus on me.  I underwent my first 'cosmetic' procedure.... Botox!  These frowns need to disappear from this face!  I am doing a touch up of my permanent make-up this week and spent some time getting massaged on Friday!  I feel alive again!  This is perhaps because I decided that I need to stand up for myself (again)!  I need to deal with the fact that it will be me and just me for a very long time!  Being sad about it is not going to make it better!

Coming to think about it - there might be something that just enhanced this feeling... I haven't mentioned this before but for some strange reason - the names of all (or most at least) of the men that enter my life that actually have an impact in my life starts with a 'J' (funny that my name also starts with a 'J').  I sometimes confuse myself with all of the 'J's' in my life!  One of the important J's in my life of many many hears ago made contact with me again.  I think the fact that I always wondered why we never worked out - must have been in the back of my mind all these years (and it's about 7 of 8 years).  I didn't 'close' the chapter with that 'J' - but I saw how he moved on with his life and just realized that that life is so not the life that I wanted for me.  That - was closure enough for me.

But this happened post my 'happy place'.  The thing that contributed to my happy place - don't know.  All that matters right now, is that I found myself again and I'm loving every single moment of it!

Tiny little heart

I recently managed to get so excited about a plan of mine.  I must admit I haven't been this excited about one of my little plans in a very very long time.  I am a plan maker and make plans all the time.  I remember when I was little I had an uncle that used to always ask me what I'm 'scheming' every single time he saw me, as I always had a little plan or a little scheme going on.  Just yesterday I heard my father say that they always used to struggle to get me to bed or to take a nap or in general to do the things they wanted me to do.  Just when they thought they had a plan to 'trick' me into something, I already had 5 other plans lined up to surprise them with! (giggle)

This new plan of mine is something that can potentially change my life!  It is something not fully impulsive, but something that I've been thinking about for a long time, but the 'putting into action' just sort of came together all of a sudden in the early hours of Saturday morning.  Being sleep deprived again, I get to think about things that are always in the back of my mind, but I don't always have the opportunity (or grand my mind the opportunity) to think about.  So progressing through the weekend and sleeping very little and thinking very much managed to get me so incredibly excited.  I believe that I actually came across something that is workable and 100% doable.  Getting up on the second Monday of 2011 I just had an extra big smile on my face.  I managed to get out of bed so much easier and my eagerness to attack this year and knowing that this will be the most successful year I possibly had the opportunity to face in my lifetime!  Not too deep into the rhythm of the day I realized once again that I have a tiny little heart.  On the outside I may look like this tough, hard person and that there must only be a dark black heart within this body of mine.  This is perhaps the perception that I need to create to hide away the small little heart deep within my soul!  I got 'attacked' (mention the word not physically, but emotionally) by a person that is so so special to me.  Somebody that I have always cared for deeply.  Somebody that I always felt I had to protect and keep under my wing.  Somebody that I have known for their entire lifetime.  I acknowledge that I am perhaps a very critical person and create very high expectations of every single person that enters my life in any form or manner.  Being this critical it can get to people, as they probably believe that they will never be able to live up to my high expectations, however I really believe that this is not true.


I realized again that I hate (and I use it as the strong word it is) to fight.  I will do so many things to avoid fighting.  I will stand my ground should it be required, but every single time, even the slightest little tiff gets me upset!  It is like a shock that goes my my body straight to my core.  Perhaps my good intentions aren't always very clear.  Regardless - disagreements, tiffs, fights, anything remotely like this fills the little heart of mine so quickly with so much disturbance and pain.  Strange how in a small heart there is always room for so much love and so much caring and so much compassion, but room for so little hurt & fighting & pain!

We shall go to war

The majority of Buddhist temples that I have visited thus far, I have always noticed a statue with a man build the way that most teenagers girls dream their ideal man would like like and an evil strong lined face that every child fear may appear from under their bed at night.  I found this 'evil' looking man strange, yet interesting.  And why do you alway find one on each side of the temple?  Reading about the temples, I discovered that these evil, nasty looking well build 'men' are seen as the warriors.  The warriors are there as protection.  Each warrior is said to have a different 'super power'.  The purpose of these warriors are to use these special powers to protect the Dharma and fight off evil spirits.  Like so many things in Buddhism the warrior is a representation of something with so much more meaning.  One may see an actual warrior statue at the temple, but each one of us have a warrior inside ourselves.  And this warrior has nothing to do with any practice or religion.  

I have heard the saying of: The war is lost once the first stone is thrown.  The wars we go through might not be the second or third world war that is literal and physical, but we might have a war all on our own internally that nobody in the world may ever even know about.  And I do believe that all of us have a little war that we are fighting inside on our own.  Some of us may turn to ourself to solve this war.  Some people may go to external measures and become physical and take it out on their spouse, or animals or children.  Some will become introverted and exclude themselves from the world totally.  Some, may be the 'best' actors and be the post pleasant people to be around, always laughing and joking around. Note that I am not saying with this that all bubbly people use that as a way to fight their war nor any of the others, this is merely used as an example.

I have many wars that I fight myself.  The way that I act on each of these wars are very different.  I know that in some circumstances, I withdraw.  In some, I get emotional and just cry and then in others, I start talking and cannot stop.  And there is most probably many reasons that the professionals will motivate for each one of these.

I do however know this.  I have my own little warriors inside me.  Each with their own 'special powers'.  I believe that the little warriors are there to help to enhance inner peace.  The past year, like I have said in some of my previous posts, was one of the most difficult years for me.  My little warriors had to fight of many 'evil' spirits off this year and I had to figure out ways of hiding these wars more often than not.  One of these little demons I had to face today.  I knew that today would not be a simple task staring me in the face.  Often in life we don't really know the exact time and date that we will be forced to face these things in life, but I went to bed last night knowing I need to wake up today and face this.  That in itself was not something easy to face.

Once again I confirmed that I do not like fighting.  One of my little warriors did however managed to fight on my behalf and helped me to remain calm.  I am not sure exactly which warrior managed to do the fighting and what 'super powers' that little one used.  After I managed to collect my thoughts and get to the point were I could sit down and reflect on it, I started to cry.  I turned my head right, then left and I noticed that an enormous weight got lifted from my shoulders.

I arrived home this evening and opened a bottle of sparkling wine.  To hear the popping sound of the cork as I opened the bottle blew that last bit of dust off my shoulders.  I felt free.

I cannot help wondering how many little warriors with 'super powers' we have filled up inside ourselves, and how do they know when to get to work.  We are facing different wars every day and our warriors are there to protect us.  And sometimes they help us to find that inner peace.  We need to take the time out to celebrate the work that these little warriors are performing in our lives & acknowledge them.  Give them the opportunity to fight for us as they actually have such an important role.

4 Leaf Clover

I was reading through my 30 Things List again tonight and saw the section where I mentioned about finding a 4-leaf-clover.  I mentioned that I'll blog about this event and now is as good a time as any....

One Sunday (28 February 2010) I got up the morning in one of my funny wanna be alone moods.  I went to a roof top market in town.  Walked around there looking at all the little things at all of the different stalls.  And then after wondering around there for about an hour already I walked past this stall that had a small little poster that said: "Four Leaf Clover".  There is was.  A couple of plants and all of them growing four leaf clovers!  I could not believe this.  I just stood there for a minute or two with a smile on my face and a tear in my eyes.  The man selling these plants probably thought that this must have been one seriously crazy person as I could not speak.  I was just smiling and crying.  Now you may say, but you didn't really 'find' a four leaf clover - so how does it count?  But it does my dear!  Even more than I even had the ability to realize the day that I put my list together.  And this is how....

The little four leaf clover taught me one of the most important lessons that I have ever learned in my life.  If I never made my 30 things list, I would have never thought about finding a four leaf clover.  And if a four leaf clover wasn't on my list, I would have walked past that stall that day and never even noticed it.  And the lesson out of this is, when you are aware of things in life, you notice things!  I have come to the point where I try really hard to make myself aware of things that I would like and want in life, regardless if it is something spiritual, something physical, something materialistic, something for my heart my mind my body or my soul - I have learned to become aware of the things that I want out and from life.  That way it gives me the opportunity to see these things as they cross my path.

So - whether it is a four leaf clover, or something else that you're looking for in life, turn your focus on what you're looking for and be specific - that way you will have the opportunity to notice it when it crosses your path!

Finding is one thing, but CREATE!

3:21:00 PM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
I had a comment from somebody the other day that said to me to quit having unrealistic goals/missions/aspirations.  And that for the year of 2011 I should have only one and that is to find out exactly WHO Jeanine is.  And then today, a friend of mine posted this specific message on Facebook.  And all of a sudden the 'finding' yourself became something that seemed so insignificant against creating yourself!


Like I said in my previous post I will only try and figure out this year what motivates me, but seeing this today, I know that I will continue creating myself and finding out things about myself in my journey of creation.

2011 - The Prime


Starting off 2011 I did it slightly different than 2010.  I have decided to not have new years resolutions this year.  I will only have one single search this year.  The search this year will be to realize what it is that motivates me.  I think that if I'm able to find the answer, not the answer that you like to give to people as the 'perfect' description of what it is suppose to be - but to really truly be able to discover what it is that really motivates me and to realize exactly why, I will achieve what I set out for 2011!

I have made so many discoveries in 2010 and I can now really say that 2010 has been one incredibly hectic year!  I've pretty much had 2 of the roughest years in my life - but there is without a doubt amazing highlights in the past 2 years that I will trade for nothing else.  I have a couple of amazing trips planned for the year of 2011.  I will have started to make some life changes and will try my best to maintain that. But, as I've said in the beginning of this post - not resolutions for this year!

Now the answer to why 2011 is the prime: "2011 is a prime number.  This means that nothing can be divide you from your goals except for one - yourself.  No formula can predict or stereotype you because you are unique.  You only occur once.  Add the numbers of 2011 - this will show you that it makes us all even" (Colleague at work's new years message) 

Just for interest - I found this blog and thought it to be interesting....

I wish you all an amazing 2011.  A year that exceeds every dream you may imagine for yourself!

Me for 2010

I write this with the sight of what I've been through in 2010 and the things that I loved and the things that I absolutely hated during this year.

Two days before 31 December 2009 I heard this saying that goes: “The way that you spend your new year’s eve/day indicates the way your year will go”.  This made me think a great deal about what it really is that I would like for the year of 2010.  Making a decision for what you would like an entire year to be like 2 days before hand was slightly stressful, cause what if I make the wrong decision?  How will I ever be able to get the year back?  Not being a very religious person, I decided to spend my new years eve, not with family (as they have more downs than ups), not in a club, not alone (as I have enough of alone as it is), but – to spend my new years eve at the Buddhist temple just outside of the small little town called Bronkhorspruit.  One thing that I went through that evening is to write 5, just 5 ‘wishes/goals/aspirations’ for the year on a sky lantern, send it up in the sky as my offering to the universe for 2010.

The 5 things what I wrote was: 
  1. Good Health 
  2. Forgiveness 
  3. Peace
  4. Tranquility
  5. Drive


There is this one song of Daughtry that he sings – be careful what you wish for, as you may just get it all and then some more.  And that is what perhaps happened with me.  Yes, I am the biggest downfall to my own aspirations, I know that.  Regardless of that being said I can say out of the 5 things above, I didn’t manage to get it all.  Perhaps these 5 things were slightly bigger than I imagined it to be.

Firstly, Good Health – I suppose I got it and I didn’t.  I have managed not to break another bone in my body (touch the wooden bench I’m sitting on now).  I did however manage to hurt my wrist badly due to spending too much time on my computer.  I did manage to get myself on anti-stress tablets.  I did manage to cause my insulin levels to rise again, I did manage to get my cortisol levels to rise even more & I did manage to gain all of the weight that I lost the previous year due to all of these thing happening.  So with good health, the fact that I had to learn (or am aided) to not have a heart attack literately – suppose – I had it okish.


Forgiveness – this is a strange thing to ask for.  I think the lack of rage against people that I had in my life motivates that I managed to achieve this.  The forgiveness of me that I was able to do after a pretty tough couple of years I’ve been through personally motivates that I have been able to achieve this.  I actually went on my very first overseas trip, for a week, ALONE.  So many people said that it is something really big to go alone on and questioned me a couple of times why I did it alone, but I think the fact that I was able to forgive myself firstly for all of the wrongs between the rights and move on, shows me that I got that part right.  December was an enlightening month for me RE forgiveness.  I have learnt that we all have different things that matter for us, and we cannot blame people for having different focus on things than what you have – hence that led me to a different level of forgiveness.

Peace.  Peace.  Peace!  I can say that I have in the past year not found peace, neither for my body, neither for my soul, nor for my mind.  I think that peace is not something that is achievable – but it is merely an aspiration that we can work towards.  I have done a terrible job of that this year!  This would have to be a focus of mine in 2011 and probably in many many years to come.  I would like to be able to sit back one day and feel that I have reached a level of peace in my life that I find acceptable to myself.

Then there is tranquillity…  This is another great one that has not been reachable to the degree that I deem as acceptable.  I do think being so incredibly busy this year (due to a lot of self inflicted causes) there would be no way that I would be able to tick this one off as complete.  I can identify occasions during the year that I thought that I have achieved/reached tranquility, however I must admit that there are a couple of months of this year that is a total blur to me.  Months, I do not even know that they existed.  The way that I moved through them and there is not a single thing that I can even remember about them, indicates to me that I have not yet reached the tranquillity that I reached out to achieve for 2010.

Lastly on my list was drive.  It is so strange how that was the very last thing on my list, yet the item on the list that I worked the hardest on.  I have taught myself so many valuable lessons about drive within myself in 2010.  I have once again proved that I do not have the ability to apply balance in my life.  I have proved that I have one powerful mind.  I have proved that I can do what I set out to do.  I have also proved that I am only one person.  I have proved that I take more on my plate that I can actually handle.  I have proved to myself that I stay true to my personal believes.  I now know much more than ever in my life that I am tremendously dedicated to things that makes sense to me and that matters to me.  My drive prooved to me how much I have a passion for things.  How much I actually really care.  I think that my personal drive to reach the unreachable this year was my greatest asset, yet this is exactly what indicated to be my greatest downfall.  Knowing that I have an addictive personality made striving for drive so much bigger in the past year.

This I would say is my reflection on myself, and my hopes & dreams & wishes & aspirations that I had set out for myself for the year of 2010.  One thing that I have learned... Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it all and then some you don't want.

Ground Your Feet


After talking so much about Love, Broken Hearts and Life in the past couple of posts, I thought it appropriate to share my holiday experience with you. As you would have noticed by now, I celebrated my last birthday in my 20's in the year 2010. Seeing that I have never ventured the borders of another country I decided to do that in celebration of my life for this year.

Me, being the control freak that I am decided due to all of the chaos in my work & personal life to do this trip slightly different than one would expect on a first overseas trip. I booked a flight (3 days before hand) to Singapore and a flight back. Luckily for me, I didn't require a VISA to visit the east. I decided not to book a hotel. I had a passport - that was still in my married name, where that was the ONLY thing left in my life that was still in my married name. So, I just made copies of all of the documents required, and that was that!

I didn't make a single reservation! Not one. What I did do, was just a general Google search about hotels in Thailand in general to see what they would typically cost, and secondly if there was any level of availability. I bought two books on Thailand prior to leaving for reading material on the flight. I had a morning from HELL at work prior to my flight. For the first time in such a long time I had a migraine of note again. I packed my bag after the drama at the office, climbed in my car & drove myself to the airport. I checked in, and that was basically that. I had a meal, called a couple of people and said my good bye's and I sat at terminal A8!
I got on the flight and as soon as they offered me anything to drink, I took my Stilnox! In the time that I waited for that little sleeping pill to kick in - I paged through my books on Thailand. There and then I decided Phuket it shall be.
Arriving on Singapore Airport it was so pretty! I had my very first Starbucks coffee. I got a flight there to Phuket. A couple of hours later and I was on my way. Arriving in Phuket as I walked out of the door, I was bombarded by people trying to offer me accommodation, a taxi and probably anything else I might have asked for. I got a taxi, with a very friendly gentleman. I asked him to just drive until I say stop. We took a ride to the little town of Patong. There - I asked him to stop at a hotel. I got out, had a look and decided that it wasn't appropriate. We drove till we got to The Royal Palm Hotel. I got out there - confirmed availability, had a look at the rooms & decided this is where I will stay.

LiVing LoVe oN A StRinG


Live and Love as become something that is somewhat unpredictable to me. I think that idea that I once had (and often still have) on what love is and why love happens was skewed. I have always been a believer in life is "better with you". Through all the ups and downs and the hard lessons learned in life and love at my age, I have been boxed into the thought of life is better with me. I have always been an independent person. Thinking for myself, doing things my way. Doing what I want and when I want to. My grand illusions of love once showed me how to relay on somebody else in life. How to put the needs of the person that you're with above all of your own. How to compromise yourself in ways that you never really thought possible. Life showed me how to share yourself.

For me, I have always been a little bit spoiled. Having something that is yours, that you just don't share, cause you simply don't want to. But even sharing imported chocolates with a loved one became something that came naturally. I think the sharing of yourself to a selfish person becomes so intense that you don't even realize that what you originally thought was sharing, became giving yourself to the nth degree. After a while - there is nothing left to give or to share.

After an experience such as that in your life it forms a basis of what you expect all other people to do to (and with) you. Sharing and taking and giving becomes something that hangs in the balance all the time and you don't really know how to now all of a sudden play this balancing act. You become reluctant to share, because you are so scared of giving. Once you get anything that is shared with you, you become so greedy to take because you're scared that you might never get again. And so you start living your love on a string. Your heart is hanging on a very thin little piece of string that is swinging in the air and even with the slightest wind it starts to dingle in the wind. Life is already known to be very unpredictable. Love is uncontrollable, and a heart hanging on a thin little string in the wind causes fear.

From a recent experience (that wasn't even remotely close to being classified as love) - something I would call an infatuation, I could clearly see my hesitance at the beginning. It was sort of awe to hear that somebody can have a level of interest in you. A form of sharing, a suggestion of caring. Opening your eyes and know somebody else would wish you a good day. That somebody could be thinking about you during the day. That there could be somebody that could be dreaming about you. Somebody that would wish you sweet dreams for the night. All of that proofed to be slightly overwhelming. So much so that I felt that I had to turn around and run away. Strange, that the second that I started running away, I found myself running towards it even more. And that was perhaps the turning point where I became greedy and started to take and not to share.

Another life lesson in love, showed me to have your heart on a string, dangling in the wind causes you to not have the ability to have balance. Always remember where sharing, giving and taking comes in in love. Make sure that you share and never just give and never just take.

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