Tiny little heart

I recently managed to get so excited about a plan of mine.  I must admit I haven't been this excited about one of my little plans in a very very long time.  I am a plan maker and make plans all the time.  I remember when I was little I had an uncle that used to always ask me what I'm 'scheming' every single time he saw me, as I always had a little plan or a little scheme going on.  Just yesterday I heard my father say that they always used to struggle to get me to bed or to take a nap or in general to do the things they wanted me to do.  Just when they thought they had a plan to 'trick' me into something, I already had 5 other plans lined up to surprise them with! (giggle)

This new plan of mine is something that can potentially change my life!  It is something not fully impulsive, but something that I've been thinking about for a long time, but the 'putting into action' just sort of came together all of a sudden in the early hours of Saturday morning.  Being sleep deprived again, I get to think about things that are always in the back of my mind, but I don't always have the opportunity (or grand my mind the opportunity) to think about.  So progressing through the weekend and sleeping very little and thinking very much managed to get me so incredibly excited.  I believe that I actually came across something that is workable and 100% doable.  Getting up on the second Monday of 2011 I just had an extra big smile on my face.  I managed to get out of bed so much easier and my eagerness to attack this year and knowing that this will be the most successful year I possibly had the opportunity to face in my lifetime!  Not too deep into the rhythm of the day I realized once again that I have a tiny little heart.  On the outside I may look like this tough, hard person and that there must only be a dark black heart within this body of mine.  This is perhaps the perception that I need to create to hide away the small little heart deep within my soul!  I got 'attacked' (mention the word not physically, but emotionally) by a person that is so so special to me.  Somebody that I have always cared for deeply.  Somebody that I always felt I had to protect and keep under my wing.  Somebody that I have known for their entire lifetime.  I acknowledge that I am perhaps a very critical person and create very high expectations of every single person that enters my life in any form or manner.  Being this critical it can get to people, as they probably believe that they will never be able to live up to my high expectations, however I really believe that this is not true.


I realized again that I hate (and I use it as the strong word it is) to fight.  I will do so many things to avoid fighting.  I will stand my ground should it be required, but every single time, even the slightest little tiff gets me upset!  It is like a shock that goes my my body straight to my core.  Perhaps my good intentions aren't always very clear.  Regardless - disagreements, tiffs, fights, anything remotely like this fills the little heart of mine so quickly with so much disturbance and pain.  Strange how in a small heart there is always room for so much love and so much caring and so much compassion, but room for so little hurt & fighting & pain!

We shall go to war

The majority of Buddhist temples that I have visited thus far, I have always noticed a statue with a man build the way that most teenagers girls dream their ideal man would like like and an evil strong lined face that every child fear may appear from under their bed at night.  I found this 'evil' looking man strange, yet interesting.  And why do you alway find one on each side of the temple?  Reading about the temples, I discovered that these evil, nasty looking well build 'men' are seen as the warriors.  The warriors are there as protection.  Each warrior is said to have a different 'super power'.  The purpose of these warriors are to use these special powers to protect the Dharma and fight off evil spirits.  Like so many things in Buddhism the warrior is a representation of something with so much more meaning.  One may see an actual warrior statue at the temple, but each one of us have a warrior inside ourselves.  And this warrior has nothing to do with any practice or religion.  

I have heard the saying of: The war is lost once the first stone is thrown.  The wars we go through might not be the second or third world war that is literal and physical, but we might have a war all on our own internally that nobody in the world may ever even know about.  And I do believe that all of us have a little war that we are fighting inside on our own.  Some of us may turn to ourself to solve this war.  Some people may go to external measures and become physical and take it out on their spouse, or animals or children.  Some will become introverted and exclude themselves from the world totally.  Some, may be the 'best' actors and be the post pleasant people to be around, always laughing and joking around. Note that I am not saying with this that all bubbly people use that as a way to fight their war nor any of the others, this is merely used as an example.

I have many wars that I fight myself.  The way that I act on each of these wars are very different.  I know that in some circumstances, I withdraw.  In some, I get emotional and just cry and then in others, I start talking and cannot stop.  And there is most probably many reasons that the professionals will motivate for each one of these.

I do however know this.  I have my own little warriors inside me.  Each with their own 'special powers'.  I believe that the little warriors are there to help to enhance inner peace.  The past year, like I have said in some of my previous posts, was one of the most difficult years for me.  My little warriors had to fight of many 'evil' spirits off this year and I had to figure out ways of hiding these wars more often than not.  One of these little demons I had to face today.  I knew that today would not be a simple task staring me in the face.  Often in life we don't really know the exact time and date that we will be forced to face these things in life, but I went to bed last night knowing I need to wake up today and face this.  That in itself was not something easy to face.

Once again I confirmed that I do not like fighting.  One of my little warriors did however managed to fight on my behalf and helped me to remain calm.  I am not sure exactly which warrior managed to do the fighting and what 'super powers' that little one used.  After I managed to collect my thoughts and get to the point were I could sit down and reflect on it, I started to cry.  I turned my head right, then left and I noticed that an enormous weight got lifted from my shoulders.

I arrived home this evening and opened a bottle of sparkling wine.  To hear the popping sound of the cork as I opened the bottle blew that last bit of dust off my shoulders.  I felt free.

I cannot help wondering how many little warriors with 'super powers' we have filled up inside ourselves, and how do they know when to get to work.  We are facing different wars every day and our warriors are there to protect us.  And sometimes they help us to find that inner peace.  We need to take the time out to celebrate the work that these little warriors are performing in our lives & acknowledge them.  Give them the opportunity to fight for us as they actually have such an important role.

4 Leaf Clover

I was reading through my 30 Things List again tonight and saw the section where I mentioned about finding a 4-leaf-clover.  I mentioned that I'll blog about this event and now is as good a time as any....

One Sunday (28 February 2010) I got up the morning in one of my funny wanna be alone moods.  I went to a roof top market in town.  Walked around there looking at all the little things at all of the different stalls.  And then after wondering around there for about an hour already I walked past this stall that had a small little poster that said: "Four Leaf Clover".  There is was.  A couple of plants and all of them growing four leaf clovers!  I could not believe this.  I just stood there for a minute or two with a smile on my face and a tear in my eyes.  The man selling these plants probably thought that this must have been one seriously crazy person as I could not speak.  I was just smiling and crying.  Now you may say, but you didn't really 'find' a four leaf clover - so how does it count?  But it does my dear!  Even more than I even had the ability to realize the day that I put my list together.  And this is how....

The little four leaf clover taught me one of the most important lessons that I have ever learned in my life.  If I never made my 30 things list, I would have never thought about finding a four leaf clover.  And if a four leaf clover wasn't on my list, I would have walked past that stall that day and never even noticed it.  And the lesson out of this is, when you are aware of things in life, you notice things!  I have come to the point where I try really hard to make myself aware of things that I would like and want in life, regardless if it is something spiritual, something physical, something materialistic, something for my heart my mind my body or my soul - I have learned to become aware of the things that I want out and from life.  That way it gives me the opportunity to see these things as they cross my path.

So - whether it is a four leaf clover, or something else that you're looking for in life, turn your focus on what you're looking for and be specific - that way you will have the opportunity to notice it when it crosses your path!

Finding is one thing, but CREATE!

3:21:00 PM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
I had a comment from somebody the other day that said to me to quit having unrealistic goals/missions/aspirations.  And that for the year of 2011 I should have only one and that is to find out exactly WHO Jeanine is.  And then today, a friend of mine posted this specific message on Facebook.  And all of a sudden the 'finding' yourself became something that seemed so insignificant against creating yourself!


Like I said in my previous post I will only try and figure out this year what motivates me, but seeing this today, I know that I will continue creating myself and finding out things about myself in my journey of creation.

2011 - The Prime


Starting off 2011 I did it slightly different than 2010.  I have decided to not have new years resolutions this year.  I will only have one single search this year.  The search this year will be to realize what it is that motivates me.  I think that if I'm able to find the answer, not the answer that you like to give to people as the 'perfect' description of what it is suppose to be - but to really truly be able to discover what it is that really motivates me and to realize exactly why, I will achieve what I set out for 2011!

I have made so many discoveries in 2010 and I can now really say that 2010 has been one incredibly hectic year!  I've pretty much had 2 of the roughest years in my life - but there is without a doubt amazing highlights in the past 2 years that I will trade for nothing else.  I have a couple of amazing trips planned for the year of 2011.  I will have started to make some life changes and will try my best to maintain that. But, as I've said in the beginning of this post - not resolutions for this year!

Now the answer to why 2011 is the prime: "2011 is a prime number.  This means that nothing can be divide you from your goals except for one - yourself.  No formula can predict or stereotype you because you are unique.  You only occur once.  Add the numbers of 2011 - this will show you that it makes us all even" (Colleague at work's new years message) 

Just for interest - I found this blog and thought it to be interesting....

I wish you all an amazing 2011.  A year that exceeds every dream you may imagine for yourself!

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