I write this with the sight of what I've been through in 2010 and the things that I loved and the things that I absolutely hated during this year.
Two days before 31 December 2009 I heard this saying that goes: “The way that you spend your new year’s eve/day indicates the way your year will go”. This made me think a great deal about what it really is that I would like for the year of 2010. Making a decision for what you would like an entire year to be like 2 days before hand was slightly stressful, cause what if I make the wrong decision? How will I ever be able to get the year back? Not being a very religious person, I decided to spend my new years eve, not with family (as they have more downs than ups), not in a club, not alone (as I have enough of alone as it is), but – to spend my new years eve at the Buddhist temple just outside of the small little town called Bronkhorspruit. One thing that I went through that evening is to write 5, just 5 ‘wishes/goals/aspirations’ for the year on a sky lantern, send it up in the sky as my offering to the universe for 2010.
The 5 things what I wrote was:
- Good Health
- Forgiveness
- Peace
- Tranquility
- Drive
There is this one song of Daughtry that he sings – be careful what you wish for, as you may just get it all and then some more. And that is what perhaps happened with me. Yes, I am the biggest downfall to my own aspirations, I know that. Regardless of that being said I can say out of the 5 things above, I didn’t manage to get it all. Perhaps these 5 things were slightly bigger than I imagined it to be.
Firstly, Good Health – I suppose I got it and I didn’t. I have managed not to break another bone in my body (touch the wooden bench I’m sitting on now). I did however manage to hurt my wrist badly due to spending too much time on my computer. I did manage to get myself on anti-stress tablets. I did manage to cause my insulin levels to rise again, I did manage to get my cortisol levels to rise even more & I did manage to gain all of the weight that I lost the previous year due to all of these thing happening. So with good health, the fact that I had to learn (or am aided) to not have a heart attack literately – suppose – I had it okish.
Forgiveness – this is a strange thing to ask for. I think the lack of rage against people that I had in my life motivates that I managed to achieve this. The forgiveness of me that I was able to do after a pretty tough couple of years I’ve been through personally motivates that I have been able to achieve this. I actually went on my very first overseas trip, for a week, ALONE. So many people said that it is something really big to go alone on and questioned me a couple of times why I did it alone, but I think the fact that I was able to forgive myself firstly for all of the wrongs between the rights and move on, shows me that I got that part right. December was an enlightening month for me RE forgiveness. I have learnt that we all have different things that matter for us, and we cannot blame people for having different focus on things than what you have – hence that led me to a different level of forgiveness.
Peace. Peace. Peace! I can say that I have in the past year not found peace, neither for my body, neither for my soul, nor for my mind. I think that peace is not something that is achievable – but it is merely an aspiration that we can work towards. I have done a terrible job of that this year! This would have to be a focus of mine in 2011 and probably in many many years to come. I would like to be able to sit back one day and feel that I have reached a level of peace in my life that I find acceptable to myself.
Then there is tranquillity… This is another great one that has not been reachable to the degree that I deem as acceptable. I do think being so incredibly busy this year (due to a lot of self inflicted causes) there would be no way that I would be able to tick this one off as complete. I can identify occasions during the year that I thought that I have achieved/reached tranquility, however I must admit that there are a couple of months of this year that is a total blur to me. Months, I do not even know that they existed. The way that I moved through them and there is not a single thing that I can even remember about them, indicates to me that I have not yet reached the tranquillity that I reached out to achieve for 2010.
Lastly on my list was drive. It is so strange how that was the very last thing on my list, yet the item on the list that I worked the hardest on. I have taught myself so many valuable lessons about drive within myself in 2010. I have once again proved that I do not have the ability to apply balance in my life. I have proved that I have one powerful mind. I have proved that I can do what I set out to do. I have also proved that I am only one person. I have proved that I take more on my plate that I can actually handle. I have proved to myself that I stay true to my personal believes. I now know much more than ever in my life that I am tremendously dedicated to things that makes sense to me and that matters to me. My drive prooved to me how much I have a passion for things. How much I actually really care. I think that my personal drive to reach the unreachable this year was my greatest asset, yet this is exactly what indicated to be my greatest downfall. Knowing that I have an addictive personality made striving for drive so much bigger in the past year.
This I would say is my reflection on myself, and my hopes & dreams & wishes & aspirations that I had set out for myself for the year of 2010. One thing that I have learned... Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it all and then some you don't want.
Post a Comment