Me for 2010

I write this with the sight of what I've been through in 2010 and the things that I loved and the things that I absolutely hated during this year.

Two days before 31 December 2009 I heard this saying that goes: “The way that you spend your new year’s eve/day indicates the way your year will go”.  This made me think a great deal about what it really is that I would like for the year of 2010.  Making a decision for what you would like an entire year to be like 2 days before hand was slightly stressful, cause what if I make the wrong decision?  How will I ever be able to get the year back?  Not being a very religious person, I decided to spend my new years eve, not with family (as they have more downs than ups), not in a club, not alone (as I have enough of alone as it is), but – to spend my new years eve at the Buddhist temple just outside of the small little town called Bronkhorspruit.  One thing that I went through that evening is to write 5, just 5 ‘wishes/goals/aspirations’ for the year on a sky lantern, send it up in the sky as my offering to the universe for 2010.

The 5 things what I wrote was: 
  1. Good Health 
  2. Forgiveness 
  3. Peace
  4. Tranquility
  5. Drive


There is this one song of Daughtry that he sings – be careful what you wish for, as you may just get it all and then some more.  And that is what perhaps happened with me.  Yes, I am the biggest downfall to my own aspirations, I know that.  Regardless of that being said I can say out of the 5 things above, I didn’t manage to get it all.  Perhaps these 5 things were slightly bigger than I imagined it to be.

Firstly, Good Health – I suppose I got it and I didn’t.  I have managed not to break another bone in my body (touch the wooden bench I’m sitting on now).  I did however manage to hurt my wrist badly due to spending too much time on my computer.  I did manage to get myself on anti-stress tablets.  I did manage to cause my insulin levels to rise again, I did manage to get my cortisol levels to rise even more & I did manage to gain all of the weight that I lost the previous year due to all of these thing happening.  So with good health, the fact that I had to learn (or am aided) to not have a heart attack literately – suppose – I had it okish.


Forgiveness – this is a strange thing to ask for.  I think the lack of rage against people that I had in my life motivates that I managed to achieve this.  The forgiveness of me that I was able to do after a pretty tough couple of years I’ve been through personally motivates that I have been able to achieve this.  I actually went on my very first overseas trip, for a week, ALONE.  So many people said that it is something really big to go alone on and questioned me a couple of times why I did it alone, but I think the fact that I was able to forgive myself firstly for all of the wrongs between the rights and move on, shows me that I got that part right.  December was an enlightening month for me RE forgiveness.  I have learnt that we all have different things that matter for us, and we cannot blame people for having different focus on things than what you have – hence that led me to a different level of forgiveness.

Peace.  Peace.  Peace!  I can say that I have in the past year not found peace, neither for my body, neither for my soul, nor for my mind.  I think that peace is not something that is achievable – but it is merely an aspiration that we can work towards.  I have done a terrible job of that this year!  This would have to be a focus of mine in 2011 and probably in many many years to come.  I would like to be able to sit back one day and feel that I have reached a level of peace in my life that I find acceptable to myself.

Then there is tranquillity…  This is another great one that has not been reachable to the degree that I deem as acceptable.  I do think being so incredibly busy this year (due to a lot of self inflicted causes) there would be no way that I would be able to tick this one off as complete.  I can identify occasions during the year that I thought that I have achieved/reached tranquility, however I must admit that there are a couple of months of this year that is a total blur to me.  Months, I do not even know that they existed.  The way that I moved through them and there is not a single thing that I can even remember about them, indicates to me that I have not yet reached the tranquillity that I reached out to achieve for 2010.

Lastly on my list was drive.  It is so strange how that was the very last thing on my list, yet the item on the list that I worked the hardest on.  I have taught myself so many valuable lessons about drive within myself in 2010.  I have once again proved that I do not have the ability to apply balance in my life.  I have proved that I have one powerful mind.  I have proved that I can do what I set out to do.  I have also proved that I am only one person.  I have proved that I take more on my plate that I can actually handle.  I have proved to myself that I stay true to my personal believes.  I now know much more than ever in my life that I am tremendously dedicated to things that makes sense to me and that matters to me.  My drive prooved to me how much I have a passion for things.  How much I actually really care.  I think that my personal drive to reach the unreachable this year was my greatest asset, yet this is exactly what indicated to be my greatest downfall.  Knowing that I have an addictive personality made striving for drive so much bigger in the past year.

This I would say is my reflection on myself, and my hopes & dreams & wishes & aspirations that I had set out for myself for the year of 2010.  One thing that I have learned... Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it all and then some you don't want.

Ground Your Feet


After talking so much about Love, Broken Hearts and Life in the past couple of posts, I thought it appropriate to share my holiday experience with you. As you would have noticed by now, I celebrated my last birthday in my 20's in the year 2010. Seeing that I have never ventured the borders of another country I decided to do that in celebration of my life for this year.

Me, being the control freak that I am decided due to all of the chaos in my work & personal life to do this trip slightly different than one would expect on a first overseas trip. I booked a flight (3 days before hand) to Singapore and a flight back. Luckily for me, I didn't require a VISA to visit the east. I decided not to book a hotel. I had a passport - that was still in my married name, where that was the ONLY thing left in my life that was still in my married name. So, I just made copies of all of the documents required, and that was that!

I didn't make a single reservation! Not one. What I did do, was just a general Google search about hotels in Thailand in general to see what they would typically cost, and secondly if there was any level of availability. I bought two books on Thailand prior to leaving for reading material on the flight. I had a morning from HELL at work prior to my flight. For the first time in such a long time I had a migraine of note again. I packed my bag after the drama at the office, climbed in my car & drove myself to the airport. I checked in, and that was basically that. I had a meal, called a couple of people and said my good bye's and I sat at terminal A8!
I got on the flight and as soon as they offered me anything to drink, I took my Stilnox! In the time that I waited for that little sleeping pill to kick in - I paged through my books on Thailand. There and then I decided Phuket it shall be.
Arriving on Singapore Airport it was so pretty! I had my very first Starbucks coffee. I got a flight there to Phuket. A couple of hours later and I was on my way. Arriving in Phuket as I walked out of the door, I was bombarded by people trying to offer me accommodation, a taxi and probably anything else I might have asked for. I got a taxi, with a very friendly gentleman. I asked him to just drive until I say stop. We took a ride to the little town of Patong. There - I asked him to stop at a hotel. I got out, had a look and decided that it wasn't appropriate. We drove till we got to The Royal Palm Hotel. I got out there - confirmed availability, had a look at the rooms & decided this is where I will stay.

LiVing LoVe oN A StRinG


Live and Love as become something that is somewhat unpredictable to me. I think that idea that I once had (and often still have) on what love is and why love happens was skewed. I have always been a believer in life is "better with you". Through all the ups and downs and the hard lessons learned in life and love at my age, I have been boxed into the thought of life is better with me. I have always been an independent person. Thinking for myself, doing things my way. Doing what I want and when I want to. My grand illusions of love once showed me how to relay on somebody else in life. How to put the needs of the person that you're with above all of your own. How to compromise yourself in ways that you never really thought possible. Life showed me how to share yourself.

For me, I have always been a little bit spoiled. Having something that is yours, that you just don't share, cause you simply don't want to. But even sharing imported chocolates with a loved one became something that came naturally. I think the sharing of yourself to a selfish person becomes so intense that you don't even realize that what you originally thought was sharing, became giving yourself to the nth degree. After a while - there is nothing left to give or to share.

After an experience such as that in your life it forms a basis of what you expect all other people to do to (and with) you. Sharing and taking and giving becomes something that hangs in the balance all the time and you don't really know how to now all of a sudden play this balancing act. You become reluctant to share, because you are so scared of giving. Once you get anything that is shared with you, you become so greedy to take because you're scared that you might never get again. And so you start living your love on a string. Your heart is hanging on a very thin little piece of string that is swinging in the air and even with the slightest wind it starts to dingle in the wind. Life is already known to be very unpredictable. Love is uncontrollable, and a heart hanging on a thin little string in the wind causes fear.

From a recent experience (that wasn't even remotely close to being classified as love) - something I would call an infatuation, I could clearly see my hesitance at the beginning. It was sort of awe to hear that somebody can have a level of interest in you. A form of sharing, a suggestion of caring. Opening your eyes and know somebody else would wish you a good day. That somebody could be thinking about you during the day. That there could be somebody that could be dreaming about you. Somebody that would wish you sweet dreams for the night. All of that proofed to be slightly overwhelming. So much so that I felt that I had to turn around and run away. Strange, that the second that I started running away, I found myself running towards it even more. And that was perhaps the turning point where I became greedy and started to take and not to share.

Another life lesson in love, showed me to have your heart on a string, dangling in the wind causes you to not have the ability to have balance. Always remember where sharing, giving and taking comes in in love. Make sure that you share and never just give and never just take.

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The Penguin Love

4:59:00 PM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
A while ago I met this new man. I started to laugh again, I had a smile on my face, the entire day. There was just SO many things going on in my life at the time I met him however, I could not be bothered by any of it at all. It was the passing of my Gran. A beyond difficult time in my work. Possibly the worst that has ever hit me. I went on my very first over seas trip, all alone - yet I had this inner smile in me. On the airport, leaving on my way to Singapore - I made a last call to this new gentleman. We had a talk and he said to me.... When you're walking on the beach, make sure that you pick up a pebble for me. My reply was simple... OK.
At that point in time, I didn't give it much, actually, any thought. After a couple of days in Thailand, I found myself walking on the soft soft white sand on one of the islands in Similan. It was the day before my 29th Birthday. I was pretty emotional that day. I remembered this sweet cute guy saying to me that I should pick up a pebble for him. As I was walking on that beach, I looked for pebbles. I tried to find a pebble that seemed to be one of the more perfect ones that I could find. One with something special about it. Something that makes it unique. I picked up 3 - only 3!

Coming back in South Africa, I spoke to him one day and just remembered randomly bout the pebble. I said to him that I forgot to tell him, but I picked up a pebble for him on the beach. His responds was: "Pebble or shell?" Pebble I said - that is what you asked for. And he sounded happy. He asked me if I knew why he said pebble and then told me this story. He said that Penguins 'walk' on the beach and pick up the the most perfect pebbles they can find. The one (usually the male) then offers the pebble to the other. If it is a perfect pebble, then they mate for life. And that was why he asked me to pick up a pebble. Just there and then, it stole a little bit of my heart. For somebody to have that piece of depth associated with them was just something special.

In being true to myself, I had to Google the story and with great pleasure I can share these links:
The story on what happened with this wonderful man and the pebbles I picked up, will follow.

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Another Little Piece Of My Heart

So today, after all of my smiles and giggles, I have arrived at yet another little broken piece of my heart. I'll tell you more bout this later, but this is a story that my one dear friend shared with me. I could not resist but to share it with you in my sad day!

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears." "Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. "Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

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