Me for 2010

I write this with the sight of what I've been through in 2010 and the things that I loved and the things that I absolutely hated during this year.

Two days before 31 December 2009 I heard this saying that goes: “The way that you spend your new year’s eve/day indicates the way your year will go”.  This made me think a great deal about what it really is that I would like for the year of 2010.  Making a decision for what you would like an entire year to be like 2 days before hand was slightly stressful, cause what if I make the wrong decision?  How will I ever be able to get the year back?  Not being a very religious person, I decided to spend my new years eve, not with family (as they have more downs than ups), not in a club, not alone (as I have enough of alone as it is), but – to spend my new years eve at the Buddhist temple just outside of the small little town called Bronkhorspruit.  One thing that I went through that evening is to write 5, just 5 ‘wishes/goals/aspirations’ for the year on a sky lantern, send it up in the sky as my offering to the universe for 2010.

The 5 things what I wrote was: 
  1. Good Health 
  2. Forgiveness 
  3. Peace
  4. Tranquility
  5. Drive


There is this one song of Daughtry that he sings – be careful what you wish for, as you may just get it all and then some more.  And that is what perhaps happened with me.  Yes, I am the biggest downfall to my own aspirations, I know that.  Regardless of that being said I can say out of the 5 things above, I didn’t manage to get it all.  Perhaps these 5 things were slightly bigger than I imagined it to be.

Firstly, Good Health – I suppose I got it and I didn’t.  I have managed not to break another bone in my body (touch the wooden bench I’m sitting on now).  I did however manage to hurt my wrist badly due to spending too much time on my computer.  I did manage to get myself on anti-stress tablets.  I did manage to cause my insulin levels to rise again, I did manage to get my cortisol levels to rise even more & I did manage to gain all of the weight that I lost the previous year due to all of these thing happening.  So with good health, the fact that I had to learn (or am aided) to not have a heart attack literately – suppose – I had it okish.


Forgiveness – this is a strange thing to ask for.  I think the lack of rage against people that I had in my life motivates that I managed to achieve this.  The forgiveness of me that I was able to do after a pretty tough couple of years I’ve been through personally motivates that I have been able to achieve this.  I actually went on my very first overseas trip, for a week, ALONE.  So many people said that it is something really big to go alone on and questioned me a couple of times why I did it alone, but I think the fact that I was able to forgive myself firstly for all of the wrongs between the rights and move on, shows me that I got that part right.  December was an enlightening month for me RE forgiveness.  I have learnt that we all have different things that matter for us, and we cannot blame people for having different focus on things than what you have – hence that led me to a different level of forgiveness.

Peace.  Peace.  Peace!  I can say that I have in the past year not found peace, neither for my body, neither for my soul, nor for my mind.  I think that peace is not something that is achievable – but it is merely an aspiration that we can work towards.  I have done a terrible job of that this year!  This would have to be a focus of mine in 2011 and probably in many many years to come.  I would like to be able to sit back one day and feel that I have reached a level of peace in my life that I find acceptable to myself.

Then there is tranquillity…  This is another great one that has not been reachable to the degree that I deem as acceptable.  I do think being so incredibly busy this year (due to a lot of self inflicted causes) there would be no way that I would be able to tick this one off as complete.  I can identify occasions during the year that I thought that I have achieved/reached tranquility, however I must admit that there are a couple of months of this year that is a total blur to me.  Months, I do not even know that they existed.  The way that I moved through them and there is not a single thing that I can even remember about them, indicates to me that I have not yet reached the tranquillity that I reached out to achieve for 2010.

Lastly on my list was drive.  It is so strange how that was the very last thing on my list, yet the item on the list that I worked the hardest on.  I have taught myself so many valuable lessons about drive within myself in 2010.  I have once again proved that I do not have the ability to apply balance in my life.  I have proved that I have one powerful mind.  I have proved that I can do what I set out to do.  I have also proved that I am only one person.  I have proved that I take more on my plate that I can actually handle.  I have proved to myself that I stay true to my personal believes.  I now know much more than ever in my life that I am tremendously dedicated to things that makes sense to me and that matters to me.  My drive prooved to me how much I have a passion for things.  How much I actually really care.  I think that my personal drive to reach the unreachable this year was my greatest asset, yet this is exactly what indicated to be my greatest downfall.  Knowing that I have an addictive personality made striving for drive so much bigger in the past year.

This I would say is my reflection on myself, and my hopes & dreams & wishes & aspirations that I had set out for myself for the year of 2010.  One thing that I have learned... Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it all and then some you don't want.

Ground Your Feet


After talking so much about Love, Broken Hearts and Life in the past couple of posts, I thought it appropriate to share my holiday experience with you. As you would have noticed by now, I celebrated my last birthday in my 20's in the year 2010. Seeing that I have never ventured the borders of another country I decided to do that in celebration of my life for this year.

Me, being the control freak that I am decided due to all of the chaos in my work & personal life to do this trip slightly different than one would expect on a first overseas trip. I booked a flight (3 days before hand) to Singapore and a flight back. Luckily for me, I didn't require a VISA to visit the east. I decided not to book a hotel. I had a passport - that was still in my married name, where that was the ONLY thing left in my life that was still in my married name. So, I just made copies of all of the documents required, and that was that!

I didn't make a single reservation! Not one. What I did do, was just a general Google search about hotels in Thailand in general to see what they would typically cost, and secondly if there was any level of availability. I bought two books on Thailand prior to leaving for reading material on the flight. I had a morning from HELL at work prior to my flight. For the first time in such a long time I had a migraine of note again. I packed my bag after the drama at the office, climbed in my car & drove myself to the airport. I checked in, and that was basically that. I had a meal, called a couple of people and said my good bye's and I sat at terminal A8!
I got on the flight and as soon as they offered me anything to drink, I took my Stilnox! In the time that I waited for that little sleeping pill to kick in - I paged through my books on Thailand. There and then I decided Phuket it shall be.
Arriving on Singapore Airport it was so pretty! I had my very first Starbucks coffee. I got a flight there to Phuket. A couple of hours later and I was on my way. Arriving in Phuket as I walked out of the door, I was bombarded by people trying to offer me accommodation, a taxi and probably anything else I might have asked for. I got a taxi, with a very friendly gentleman. I asked him to just drive until I say stop. We took a ride to the little town of Patong. There - I asked him to stop at a hotel. I got out, had a look and decided that it wasn't appropriate. We drove till we got to The Royal Palm Hotel. I got out there - confirmed availability, had a look at the rooms & decided this is where I will stay.

LiVing LoVe oN A StRinG


Live and Love as become something that is somewhat unpredictable to me. I think that idea that I once had (and often still have) on what love is and why love happens was skewed. I have always been a believer in life is "better with you". Through all the ups and downs and the hard lessons learned in life and love at my age, I have been boxed into the thought of life is better with me. I have always been an independent person. Thinking for myself, doing things my way. Doing what I want and when I want to. My grand illusions of love once showed me how to relay on somebody else in life. How to put the needs of the person that you're with above all of your own. How to compromise yourself in ways that you never really thought possible. Life showed me how to share yourself.

For me, I have always been a little bit spoiled. Having something that is yours, that you just don't share, cause you simply don't want to. But even sharing imported chocolates with a loved one became something that came naturally. I think the sharing of yourself to a selfish person becomes so intense that you don't even realize that what you originally thought was sharing, became giving yourself to the nth degree. After a while - there is nothing left to give or to share.

After an experience such as that in your life it forms a basis of what you expect all other people to do to (and with) you. Sharing and taking and giving becomes something that hangs in the balance all the time and you don't really know how to now all of a sudden play this balancing act. You become reluctant to share, because you are so scared of giving. Once you get anything that is shared with you, you become so greedy to take because you're scared that you might never get again. And so you start living your love on a string. Your heart is hanging on a very thin little piece of string that is swinging in the air and even with the slightest wind it starts to dingle in the wind. Life is already known to be very unpredictable. Love is uncontrollable, and a heart hanging on a thin little string in the wind causes fear.

From a recent experience (that wasn't even remotely close to being classified as love) - something I would call an infatuation, I could clearly see my hesitance at the beginning. It was sort of awe to hear that somebody can have a level of interest in you. A form of sharing, a suggestion of caring. Opening your eyes and know somebody else would wish you a good day. That somebody could be thinking about you during the day. That there could be somebody that could be dreaming about you. Somebody that would wish you sweet dreams for the night. All of that proofed to be slightly overwhelming. So much so that I felt that I had to turn around and run away. Strange, that the second that I started running away, I found myself running towards it even more. And that was perhaps the turning point where I became greedy and started to take and not to share.

Another life lesson in love, showed me to have your heart on a string, dangling in the wind causes you to not have the ability to have balance. Always remember where sharing, giving and taking comes in in love. Make sure that you share and never just give and never just take.

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The Penguin Love

4:59:00 PM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
A while ago I met this new man. I started to laugh again, I had a smile on my face, the entire day. There was just SO many things going on in my life at the time I met him however, I could not be bothered by any of it at all. It was the passing of my Gran. A beyond difficult time in my work. Possibly the worst that has ever hit me. I went on my very first over seas trip, all alone - yet I had this inner smile in me. On the airport, leaving on my way to Singapore - I made a last call to this new gentleman. We had a talk and he said to me.... When you're walking on the beach, make sure that you pick up a pebble for me. My reply was simple... OK.
At that point in time, I didn't give it much, actually, any thought. After a couple of days in Thailand, I found myself walking on the soft soft white sand on one of the islands in Similan. It was the day before my 29th Birthday. I was pretty emotional that day. I remembered this sweet cute guy saying to me that I should pick up a pebble for him. As I was walking on that beach, I looked for pebbles. I tried to find a pebble that seemed to be one of the more perfect ones that I could find. One with something special about it. Something that makes it unique. I picked up 3 - only 3!

Coming back in South Africa, I spoke to him one day and just remembered randomly bout the pebble. I said to him that I forgot to tell him, but I picked up a pebble for him on the beach. His responds was: "Pebble or shell?" Pebble I said - that is what you asked for. And he sounded happy. He asked me if I knew why he said pebble and then told me this story. He said that Penguins 'walk' on the beach and pick up the the most perfect pebbles they can find. The one (usually the male) then offers the pebble to the other. If it is a perfect pebble, then they mate for life. And that was why he asked me to pick up a pebble. Just there and then, it stole a little bit of my heart. For somebody to have that piece of depth associated with them was just something special.

In being true to myself, I had to Google the story and with great pleasure I can share these links:
The story on what happened with this wonderful man and the pebbles I picked up, will follow.

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Another Little Piece Of My Heart

So today, after all of my smiles and giggles, I have arrived at yet another little broken piece of my heart. I'll tell you more bout this later, but this is a story that my one dear friend shared with me. I could not resist but to share it with you in my sad day!

One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A large crowd gathered and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a mark or a flaw in it. Yes, they all agreed it truly was the most beautiful heart they had ever seen. The young man was very proud and boasted more loudly about his beautiful heart.

Suddenly, an old man appeared at the front of the crowd and said, "Why your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was beating strongly, but full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing.

The people stared -- how can he say his heart is more beautiful, they thought? The young man looked at the old man's heart and saw its state and laughed. "You must be joking," he said. "Compare your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars and tears." "Yes," said the old man, "Yours is perfect looking but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given my love - I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart which fits into the empty place in my heart, but because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. "Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for these people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?"

The young man stood silently with tears running down his cheeks. He walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect young and beautiful heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man with trembling hands. The old man took his offering, placed it in his heart and then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. They embraced and walked away side by side.

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Happy Birthday to ME




And here I am in Thailand for my birthday, just what I wanted... It is 14 min past 12 - and being in different time zones, nobody has said happy birthday to me! At least I wrote myself a birthday message on soft white sand today. Looking at this picture, somebody out there must have wanted me to have a good birthday, otherwise my feet wouldn't have been on the soft white sand with beautiful blue waters today!

So here it goes.... Happy Birthday to Me!



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Neither Paris NOR Rome, but Thailand

5:48:00 PM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
And so, from all of the choices in the world of where I want to go to for my last birthday in my 20's - I selected Thailand. There was so many options when I decided to go. The Paris part fell out of the picture the moment I decided Rome. From Rome, I had this whole road trip 3 week holiday planned. I take a flight to Rome, hire a little smart car, and make no reservations and just go. That was the plan and it seemed like a brilliant plan - however... 3 weeks leave was not something that happened! So, my plans had to be altered. Then, it suddenly became Dubai! I was going to go visit my friend in Dubai for a week. However, the only thing still tying me to being 'married' is my passport. With all of my documentation under my current surname and my passport being THE only thing still in my married name, I didn't want to go into a country with a surname and struggle to explain why it is the way it is. I then just thought, but I have always wanted to go to Thailand, so why not Thailand. And there and then, in a week, it became Thailand. I found out that I didn't need a VISA and then just booked a flight 4 days in advance and that is all that I did. When I landed here, I found a friendly taxi driver that took me to the Royal Balm Resort and it is lovely. So many adventures since I landed here. More about that in my follow up bloggs.


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Remember?


What do you remember and what is to forget?

I got a link today where you enter your year of birth and it provides some information on what happened in your hear of birth.

So I open this website and enter my year of birth. It counts down and start speaking about Nobel prices that was won during that year. What the movies are that was extremely popular, the books the songs and so it goes on.

At one stage it speaks about, can you remember the song that was a hit. Do you still remember the songs playing on the radio when you were 15? Were you in love? Who were you i
n love with, do you remember?

That made me think back to me being 15 and my great love and in love and out of love phases I went through. Things were so complicated or so I thought.

From being 15 to almost being 30 such a great deal has changed. I've fell in love, I've been in lust, I've been happy and sad so many times it's hard to remember how many times that happened.

In the book Eat Pray Love (Chapter 48) Elizabeth speaks about how much she is missing David & how much she loves David.... Richard then says: "...People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most impo
rtant person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave..."

I think that once in my life I met my soul mate. What an amazing experience. It was the strangest relationship (if it could be called that) I've ever been in. It was all wrong and all perfect at the same time. I think I must have been a person with the most maintenance ever! But his way with me, unexplainable! Control me in a gentle fashion. Put me in my place without using force. Make me smile for an entire day and nothing can upset me that day. Upset me and rock my world round like I've never been upset before. However, every time I got upset or sad it was just overshadowed by the smiles and laughs.

Since the time in that strange relationship - a great deal of events took place, which is out of the scope of this discussion. Reading up on this website where it asks you can you remember back to the age of 15 it made me think of how I have not been able to stop smiling the whole day. Is it cause of my soul mate (as referenced above)?

How do you remember that 'happy place' and all of the smiles and you forget about the complexities of today's life and try and be 15 again?

Can you remember what it felt like?

Perhaps, it is time that you stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be?

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Living the Cosmo Life

So, I've been up and down considering the provoking thought of acquiring a sexy little convertible sports motor. This specific thought has been bouncing up and down in my mind for the greater number of years in my life. Never did I really think this day would actually arrive. I've had sleepless nights about making little plans and thinking out little tricks to actually be able to live my dream and get my car.


For those who know (and those who don't) - I have always since I can remember had this amazing love for BMW and everything that goes along with it. I remember many many years ago, there was a 3-series convertible that came out. It was available in a metallic bottle green colour. I remember the chills that I got every single time a saw one of those. This must have been in the late 80's if memory serves me right. I loved it. That was my 'dream-car'. I remember being a little girl and driving with my parents one day. We pulled up next to one of these 'dream machines' at a robot. I loved it. I looked with admiration at the man and woman sitting in that car, with the roof down. I remember so vividly how I thought to myself, that that will one day be me.



I think in a silent way that has always been a drive for me internally. That image in my mind of that idyllic life has just never left my mind. I know that the car that one drive, or the cloths that you wear or the handbag on your side will never define who you are as a person, but your drive and goals and ambitions in life contributes to the shaping of your personality. And your personality - that is who you are!

This thought driving my aspirations in life, I have been working relentlessly trying to achieve what I set out to do in my life. I've been driving BMW's since 2005 and from 2009 I've been engaging with a very talented (in a variety of ways) sales executive about the purchase of this dream of mine. And, like I have said several times before in my life.... You don't choose the time, time selects you. During 2009, it turned out that time didn't choose me for my dream. Perhaps, it just knew that I was destined for greater achievements and 2010 and that that would be the time.

So - 2010 arrived and so a change of events in my personal life, in my work & clearly in my Karma too. This meant that I got my dream to my cosmopolitan life!


On 23 July 2010 - I walked into BMW. With a red ribbon and a red carpet, my - YES MY - brand new 2010 Z4 3.0i S-drive was standing on the floor for my collection. It was not the old Metallic Bottle Green 3-series convertible of so many years ago. It was my "Havanna Coloured" one, and it was mine. For once in my life, I lacked words. The only thing that I was able to communicate was "Wow.... Wow..... Is it really mine?..... Wow...." I was privileged enough to share that amazing moment with somebody close to my heart.

I remember driving away from the dealership that Friday Evening. I could not stop smiling. I don't think that it was in my ability to wipe that 'grin' off my face! I have arrived! I am living my dream!


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I did it!

Monday, June 7, 2010 8:39:00 AM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
5 June 2010! I did it! I manage to get another tick on my 'bucket list' (or what I prefer to call my 30 things list). I want to a Karaoke bar, and I sang! I, me, Jeanine - actually sang! In front of all the people in the place.

Now - I have to admit a couple of things....

1. It was a dodgy place (But which Karaoke bar isn't).
2. I knew NOBODY in the place but my friends that I was with.
3. I sang with my friend...

Now, getting the honest things out of the way....

I had a great friend from Cape Town visit me up here in Joburg. Driving through to friends in Pretoria the Saturday afternoon to visit other friends - about one block from our destination she 'whispers' that she has to 'tell' us something. I asked what it is, with caution... She says that we will be visiting a pub to go watch the Rugby.... And.... They have Karaoke. Comments from the back of the car was WHAT??? Comments from me: "Yipeeeeeeee!!!!" Not admitting openly that I've always wanted to Karaoke. The thoughts were running through my mind.... I have the opportunity to do this now. What will I be singing. I don't have that figured out yet. At least my friend is with me, so I'll have backup! I have the opportunity to get another thing marked from my list.

Getting there (Pub called "Pepper Chair"), the Karaoke starts at 21:00. We get their book to see what is available. Very excited we narrow it down to two songs.

We got called to stage and heard we will have to sing "I Love Rock & Roll". My friend and I each get a mic.... The music starts..... The words are on the screen..... And we start!

We did well! I did well! Much much better that I ever though I would! I loved it! I am so incredibly happy I did it! (And extremely glad my friend was with me).

I did it!

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Paris or Rome?

And so - after lots of consideration I have made the decision that I shall be taking my very first overseas holiday! Alone.
I've always had this fantasy about Italy. I've always been very intrigued by the Italians and were also married to one. I think there's something about the idyllic country side of Italy that is so incredibly inviting to me. All of the water & water features. All of the art and history. The passion.

Then there's France - Paris. The idea of the cobble stone streets with this amazing pastries and dolled up people. The passion in love, the passion in disagreements and the beautiful language.

I am doing a trip. Before this year has reached it's end! And Rome - it shall be!

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It's tWo years

9:51:00 AM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments
So recently (VERY recently, 2 days ago recently) I've been divorced for two years. Yes, a full two years. I didn't really keep track of time that it's been that long. I also learned on our 'anniversary' of our divorce that my ex-husband met somebody else. I am so so happy about that. As I know that this has been much harder on him than on me. Not taking away how hard it's been on me though. Being very sick and bound to bed for the past couple of days, I've come to realize yet again how tough it is to be alone.

Does something like post holiday depression exist?

Monday, May 17, 2010 12:08:00 AM Posted by Jeanine Norden 0 comments

For the first time in years did I take a 'full' holiday! A full 10 days! The longest I've been on holiday in... Well - I don't think I've ever been on holiday that long before. It was amazing! Diving for a whole week made me wish that I was the one playing in the "Little Mermaid".

I think my body went into total shock that I even got a fever blister due to relaxation! And now - after such a relaxing time, I am not too sure what to do with reality. I know that a holiday is only there as a break and for a little while, but still!!! I don't recall ever feeling this type of 'depression' before. Is it depression? Is it withdrawal symptoms? How am I to know what to classify this feeling as?

P.S - A picture of one of the sun sets on my holiday!

Starting a 'BLOG'

With a previous attempt to start blogging.... I decided this morning to continue with my previous attempt.... and then, for the life of me I cannot remember my username, my password OR my email account. O, and try to 'pick up the phone' and CALL Google.... that is why it is Google.... you cannot call them.

So needless to say - I could not do the whole blogging thing and update my existing blog and do all the thingies I would've wanted to do.

After probably two hours or so trying desperately to remember my username and password; I decided that it is a better idea to start fresh and with a brand new blog.

I don't have it all figured out yet. In terms of the content of this blog yet - but i suppose I will take it as I go along.

By now, I have figured out that if I have a day in my life that is filled with a bit of drama or a something happening that makes the day worth remembering - the day is simply dull. I hope to make use of this blog to provide a bit of insight into the day of an Enterprise Architect in the Banking Industry. Day in the life of a divorced woman. A day in the life of strong lady. A bit into the life of a A-type crazy person, and in general.... insight in the last moments of my 20's.

So - seeing that there's not a lot of bloggies following this post yet... Like always, I am probably talking to myself, but gaining the world of insight by doing that.

So soon to be updated and additional posts...... A bit of drama and everything beyond the drama.

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