The strangest thing started happening to me. I am not too sure where it originated from, what the cause of this is and why after so many years this unexplainable phenomena occurred now again. I am currently on no medication. I am not drinking any happy pills. I am not even drinking any herbal stuffies...
About two or three weeks ago, I still had that run down feeling in my heart. I just couldn't wait to get into bed and just to sleep. Just to do nothing. I was not at my most productive around the house, emotionally or in any other aspect of my life.
It feels like a little fairy came around and waved a magic wand over me and just made everything in my life better. My work situation did not change. My financial situation did not change (for the better or worst). My social situation did not really change - I just choose to party hard now when I'm actually partying. And no - my love situation did not even change in the slightest. I am still alone. It is still just me! Still not sharing my heart, soul, heart or bed with anybody.
I think the best way that I can possibly describe this feeling is a combination of being high and being in love. I want to smile. The world doesn't fuss me! I forget things. I forget where I place things. I forget to close the fridge door. I drive half way to work and realize I forgot something important at home. Funny things like that! I have the feeling of happiness in me! Friday afternoon I decided to spend the afternoon filled with a bit of me time, seeing that I have to work the weekend. I went to the shops (and I'm not a shopping mall type of person). I first went to a fishery, bought some prawns (one of my favorite foods). After that - went over to the bakery just to get some divine fresh bread. After my bakery visit, I hopped over to the Fruit/Flower market. I found some some Nerina (Flowers). The most beautiful pink flowers. Delicate and a fragrance that fills a room. From the fruit/flower market I made my way to a liquor store. I decided to just fill up my non-existing collection with some wine and breezers. Wit this feeling in my heart I just want to entertain!!!
Carrying all of the heavy bags and boxes up to my 2nd floor apartment, I remember this amazingly significant moment standing in the kitchen as I was doing the flowers. I cannot remember when was the last time that I felt this alive! The previous evening I sat at a show of a band with friends around me, but I felt that I didn't even 'noticed' the people around me. It was strange but it was only me that mattered and I felt like I was walking on top of the clouds. I then took a minute after this feeling to try and remember when the last time was that I could actually recall this feeling. The scary part is this now. The last time I felt a slight glimpse of this was almost two years ago, but the last time that I really really felt like this was probably in 2001 or 2002! That is about 10 years ago! That is an incredibly long time for one person to be 'lost'! I cannot say that there was any major significant change in my life that promoted this feeling, other than the fact that I'm loving this!
During this strange two week period I decided that I'm the most important person in my life and that I really need to do something and focus on me. I underwent my first 'cosmetic' procedure.... Botox! These frowns need to disappear from this face! I am doing a touch up of my permanent make-up this week and spent some time getting massaged on Friday! I feel alive again! This is perhaps because I decided that I need to stand up for myself (again)! I need to deal with the fact that it will be me and just me for a very long time! Being sad about it is not going to make it better!
Coming to think about it - there might be something that just enhanced this feeling... I haven't mentioned this before but for some strange reason - the names of all (or most at least) of the men that enter my life that actually have an impact in my life starts with a 'J' (funny that my name also starts with a 'J'). I sometimes confuse myself with all of the 'J's' in my life! One of the important J's in my life of many many hears ago made contact with me again. I think the fact that I always wondered why we never worked out - must have been in the back of my mind all these years (and it's about 7 of 8 years). I didn't 'close' the chapter with that 'J' - but I saw how he moved on with his life and just realized that that life is so not the life that I wanted for me. That - was closure enough for me.
But this happened post my 'happy place'. The thing that contributed to my happy place - don't know. All that matters right now, is that I found myself again and I'm loving every single moment of it!
